Difference between revisions of "Mimo editor"

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A Change in Batteries
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New alkaline batteries are cheaper and safer than the lithium-ion batteries we have today.
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The new battery is safer in that it is not prone to combustion that is regularly seen in lithium-ion batteries.
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***I removed "alkaline" just to avoid being repetitive. Since the alkaline batteries are new, they can be referred to as such.; The alkaline battery is safer in that it is not prone to combustion that is regularly seen in lithium-ion batteries.
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The Massachusetts tech company, Ionic Materials, said that “prototypes of a rechargeable alkaline battery right now to have up to 400 recharge cycles.”
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***I thought this would be a good moment to add merit and show who is speaking.; There has said to be prototypes of a rechargeable alkaline battery right now said to have up to 400 recharge cycles.
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Another positive outcome of this new battery is that it does not rely on cobalt which is mined in Africa and is accused of using child labor while leaving toxic waste behind.
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***I just want to correct the placement of the comma in this sentence to this: "cobalt, which." But after reading it again, the comma is not needed at all when using which. Also, could you state who is accused of polluting and child labor?; Another positive outcome of this new battery is that it does not rely on cobalt , which is mined in Africa and is accused of using child labor while leaving toxic waste behind.
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One downfall to this invention is that it cannot be recharged causing them to be inefficient in computers, smart phones or other electric vehicles.
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Although these new alkaline batteries would be heavier, they are safer, cheaper, and good for the environment.
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Source-https://www.nytimes.com/2017/08/01/technology/alkaline-batteries-replace-lithium-ion.html?rref=collection%2Fsectioncollection%2Ftechnology&action=click&contentCollection=technology&region=stream&module=stream_unit&version=latest&contentPlacement=19&pgtype=sectionfront
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Edited by Michael Morrow
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A Change in Batteries
 +
 
 +
New alkaline batteries are cheaper and safer than the lithium-ion batteries we have today. The new battery is safer in that it is not prone to combustion that is regularly seen in lithium-ion batteries. The Massachusetts tech company, Ionic Materials, said that “prototypes of a rechargeable alkaline battery right now to have up to 400 recharge cycles.” Another positive outcome of this new battery is that it does not rely on cobalt which is mined in Africa and is accused of using child labor while leaving toxic waste behind. One downfall to this invention is that it cannot be recharged causing them to be inefficient in computers, smart phones or other electric vehicles. Although these new alkaline batteries would be heavier, they are safer, cheaper, and good for the environment.
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Source-https://www.nytimes.com/2017/08/01/technology/alkaline-batteries-replace-lithium-ion.html?rref=collection%2Fsectioncollection%2Ftechnology&action=click&contentCollection=technology&region=stream&module=stream_unit&version=latest&contentPlacement=19&pgtype=sectionfront
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Too Focused on Protein
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***As much as I want this title to remain the same because I think it's fitting, titles really shouldn't be questions. I try to draw the titles from the info given in the passage which is why I normally revise the passage first and the title last. I decided to use revised title because it's simple and can tell readers what the subject is.; Too Much Protein?
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Adults are recommended to have a daily intake of 46 grams of protein for women and 56 grams for men.
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***When reading this sentence, I just knew there were ways to incorporate "daily" earlier in the sentence. I did so by adding the phrase "a daily intake" just before the grams. I think it is better to include that earlier in the sentence rather the end.; Adults are recommended to have 46 grams of protein for women and 56 grams for men daily.
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Most adults eat about double the recommended amount of protein, with some hoping to give themselves more energy while avoiding sugar, carbohydrates and steering towards high protein foods that are usually only necessary for athletes.
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***I thought these two sentences would go well together as one. I combined the two and added a transition while the two ideas.; Most adults eat about double the recommended amount of protein, some purposely doing so hoping to give themselves more energy. Avoiding sugar, carbohydrates and steering towards high protein foods that are usually only necessary for athletes.
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Not only can protein be found in meat but also beans, legumes, nuts, broccoli and whole grains.
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For everyday people to be consuming this high of an amount of protein, it can lead to long term risks or kidney damage.
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It is also important for people to be able to identify high protein foods and monitor their consumption of the food to keep their bodies healthy.
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***I changed a few things in this sentence like the word "very." It really isn't needed and the readers can decide how important it is. Also, I cut back some words to remove wordiness.; It is also very important for people to be able to identify high protein foods and monitor their consumption of their food to keep their bodies healthy.
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Source-https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/28/well/eat/how-much-protein-do-we-need.html?rref=collection%2Fsectioncollection%2Fhealth&action=click&contentCollection=health&region=stream&module=stream_unit&version=latest&contentPlacement=4&pgtype=sectionfront
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Edited by Michael Morrow
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 +
 
 +
 
 +
Too Focused on Protein
 +
 
 +
Adults are recommended to have a daily intake of 46 grams of protein for women and 56 grams for men. Most adults eat about double the recommended amount of protein, with some hoping to give themselves more energy while avoiding sugar, carbohydrates and steering towards high protein foods that are usually only necessary for athletes. Not only can protein be found in meat but also beans, legumes, nuts, broccoli and whole grains. For everyday people to be consuming this high of an amount of protein, it can lead to long term risks or kidney damage. It is also important for people to be able to identify high protein foods and monitor their consumption of the food to keep their bodies healthy.
 +
 
 +
Source-https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/28/well/eat/how-much-protein-do-we-need.html?rref=collection%2Fsectioncollection%2Fhealth&action=click&contentCollection=health&region=stream&module=stream_unit&version=latest&contentPlacement=4&pgtype=sectionfront
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Virtual Reality Therapy
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Dr. Dawn Jewell, a psychologist, is treating a patient that was a victim of a car crash through virtual reality by using exposure therapy to revisit the site of the crash.
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This is made possible by a service called Limbix which is provided through daydream view on the new Google headset.
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***I added a much-needed transition between "Limbix" and "provided." Also, I capitalized "Google" because it is a proper noun, a name of a company.; This is made possible by a service called Limbix provided through daydream view on the new google headset.
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During this process, the patient will be able to describe to their psychologist their thoughts and feelings on the topic.
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***I put a comma after "process" to signify the end of the introductory phrase.; During this process the patient will be able to describe to their psychologist their thoughts and feelings on the topic.
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People can face their problems through this new technology by virtually experiencing situations that may trigger their fears or addictions.
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This technology has been developing for the past two decades using research and clinical trials to further advance virtual reality.
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Using these new advancements, the patients will be engaged emotionally, forcing them to face these traumas and practice real life experiences in a safe environment; However, this technology is far from perfect at the moment.
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***I added a comma behind "emotionally" and another behind "however." Plus, I lower cased "however" because words after the semicolon aren't supposed to capitalized; Using these new advancements, the patients will be engaged emotionally forcing them to face these traumas and practice real life experiences in a safe environment; However this technology is far from perfect at the moment.
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Source-https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/30/technology/virtual-reality-limbix-mental-health.html?rref=collection%2Fsectioncollection%2Fhealth&action=click&contentCollection=health&region=rank&module=package&version=highlights&contentPlacement=8&pgtype=sectionfront
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Edited by Michael Morrow
 +
 
 +
 
 +
Virtual Reality Therapy
 +
 
 +
Dr. Dawn Jewell, a psychologist, is treating a patient that was a victim of a car crash through virtual reality by using exposure therapy to revisit the site of the crash. This is made possible by a service called Limbix which is provided through daydream view on the new Google headset. During this process, the patient will be able to describe to their psychologist their thoughts and feelings on the topic. People can face their problems through this new technology by virtually experiencing situations that may trigger their fears or addictions. This technology has been developing for the past two decades using research and clinical trials to further advance virtual reality. Using these new advancements, the patients will be engaged emotionally, forcing them to face these traumas and practice real life experiences in a safe environment; However, this technology is far from perfect at the moment.
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 +
Source-https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/30/technology/virtual-reality-limbix-mental-health.html?rref=collection%2Fsectioncollection%2Fhealth&action=click&contentCollection=health&region=rank&module=package&version=highlights&contentPlacement=8&pgtype=sectionfront
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Ticks Are Spreading Rapidly
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The tick population is growing at a rapid rate due to the expansion of wooded areas and the increase of mice and deer.
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These ticks can carry diseases from their original location along with pathogens from their new locations spreading several types of diseases to different regions.
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***I changed "different" to "several" to give a more descriptive adjective and to leave the basic vocabulary.; These ticks can carry diseases from their original location along with pathogens from their new locations spreading different types of diseases to different regions.
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The Powassan virus is a rare virus that can be passed in just 15 minutes and can lead to permanent brain damage or even death.
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***Remember that if an illness if after a person or place, it should be capitalized. The virus is named after the town of Powassan, Ontario, Canada. So, I corrected that. I omitted "and dangerous" because it wasn't really necessary to the main point. When the readers see what the virus can do, they'll see if it is dangerous or not. Also, I moved the content that was behind the semicolon and added into the beginning of the sentence.; The powassan virus is a rare and dangerous virus that can lead to permanent brain damage or even death; This can be passed in just 15 minutes.
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Another pathogen being passed from ticks can cause the human immune system to have an allergic reaction to red meat. This illness is called the alpha-gal syndrome.
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***I decided to drop the semicolon and break it into two sentences. Also, remember that the first word after a semicolon is not to be capitalized unless it is a proper noun.; Another pathogen being passed from ticks can cause the human immune system to have an allergic reaction to red meat; This is called the alpha-gal syndrome.
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Something as little as walking in your garden barefoot can lead to getting bit by a tick.
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***This sentence seemed like it was missing a few words and made it fell incomplete so I added what I thought was right.; Something as little as walking down your garden barefoot can lead to getting a tick.
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It is very important for people to take precautions towards these ticks and their diseases because it affects humans more than we realize.
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Source-https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/24/health/ticks-disease-united-states.html?rref=collection%2Fsectioncollection%2Fhealth&action=click&contentCollection=health&region=rank&module=package&version=highlights&contentPlacement=7&pgtype=sectionfront
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Edited by Michael Morrow
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 +
 
 +
 
 +
Ticks Are Spreading Rapidly
 +
 
 +
The tick population is growing at a rapid rate due to the expansion of wooded areas and the increase of mice and deer. These ticks can carry diseases from their original location along with pathogens from their new locations spreading several types of diseases to different regions. The Powassan virus is a rare virus that can be passed in just 15 minutes and can lead to permanent brain damage or even death. Another pathogen being passed from ticks can cause the human immune system to have an allergic reaction to red meat. This illness is called the alpha-gal syndrome. Something as little as walking in your garden barefoot can lead to getting bit by a tick. It is very important for people to take precautions towards these ticks and their diseases because it affects humans more than we realize.
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Source-https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/24/health/ticks-disease-united-states.html?rref=collection%2Fsectioncollection%2Fhealth&action=click&contentCollection=health&region=rank&module=package&version=highlights&contentPlacement=7&pgtype=sectionfront
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C.T.E. in 110 N.F.L. Players
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***I rewrote the sentence to add simplicity and clarity while being brief.; NFL Brain Damage All but One Out of 111
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Neuropathologist, Dr. Ann McKeechronic, studied the brains of 202 football players. 111 of them being NFL athletes and 110 of them having chronic traumatic encephalopathy.
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Chronic traumatic encephalopathy, or C.T.E, is caused by repetitive impacts to the head causing symptoms that can continue even after the impacts have stopped.
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***I removed "Chronic traumatic encephalopathy or C.T.E" from the sentence below and added it here. It was more fitting to introduce the disease in the second sentence instead of the third.; This disease is caused by repetitive impacts to the head causing many symptoms that can continue even after the impacts have stopped.
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The brain disease can only be diagnosed after death, so to prevent this earlier, Jeff Miller, the N.F.L.’s senior vice president for health and safety, is trying to promote a safer version of the sport called flag football.
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***As I said before, I removed the "Chronic traumatic encephalopathy or C.T.E" part of this sentence to put in another sentence. In its place, I will put in "The brain disease." I think it would beneficial if you said who this top official was. I know it doesn't name the individual in the article, however it does have a link to another that does have his name.Therefore, so we know who it is, I added the name and position of this official. I reworded the ending of the sentence as well.; Chronic traumatic encephalopathy or C.T.E can only be diagnosed after death, so to prevent this earlier, N.F.L.’s top health and safety official are trying to promote a safer version of this sport, such as flag football.
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The linemen, more than any other position, take the most number of blows. On average, the linemen are hit 62 times in one game and each one came with an average force on the player’s head equivalent to a car being driven into a brick wall at 30 m.p.h.
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***So, I split this one sentence into two. The second sentence was the most confusing to read and revise of the two. I simplified the sentence to make it easier to read.; The linemen more than any other position take the most amount of blows, more specifically, an average of 62 times and Each one came with an average force on the player’s head equivalent to what you would see if he had driven his car into a brick wall at 30 m.p.h
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Of 202 brains tested, 87 percent tested positive for C.T.E proving that football is a major problem in this sense.
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***I added a comma at the beginning of the sentence as it is an introductory phrase.; Of 202 brains tested 87 percent tested positive for C.T.E proving that football is a major problem in this sense.
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There are many things to still be discovered about C.T.E as the article asks a series of questions, "Who gets it, who doesn’t, and why? Can anything be done to stop the degeneration once it begins? How many blows to the head, and at what levels, must occur for C.T.E. to take hold?"
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***I added a strong transition to help the sentence move along.; There are many things to still be discovered about C.T.E: "Who gets it, who doesn’t, and why? Can anything be done to stop the degeneration once it begins? How many blows to the head, and at what levels, must occur for C.T.E. to take hold?"
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Source- https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2017/07/25/sports/football/nfl-cte.html?hp&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&clickSource=story-heading&module=second-column-region&region=top-news&WT.nav=top-news
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Edited by Michael Morrow
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C.T.E. in 110 N.F.L. Players
 +
 
 +
Neuropathologist, Dr. Ann McKeechronic, studied the brains of 202 football players. 111 of them being NFL athletes and 110 of them having chronic traumatic encephalopathy. Chronic traumatic encephalopathy, or C.T.E, is caused by repetitive impacts to the head causing symptoms that can continue even after the impacts have stopped. The brain disease can only be diagnosed after death, so to prevent this earlier, Jeff Miller, the N.F.L.’s senior vice president for health and safety, is trying to promote a safer version of the sport called flag football. The linemen, more than any other position, take the most number of blows. On average, the linemen are hit 62 times in one game and each one came with an average force on the player’s head equivalent to a car being driven into a brick wall at 30 m.p.h. Of 202 brains tested, 87 percent tested positive for C.T.E proving that football is a major problem in this sense. There are many things to still be discovered about C.T.E as the article asks a series of questions, "Who gets it, who doesn’t, and why? Can anything be done to stop the degeneration once it begins? How many blows to the head, and at what levels, must occur for C.T.E. to take hold?"
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Source- https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2017/07/25/sports/football/nfl-cte.html?hp&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&clickSource=story-heading&module=second-column-region&region=top-news&WT.nav=top-news
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Tattoo-like Sensor Developed by Scientists
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***The original sentence seemed like it was taken from the middle of a sentence. It seemed awkward. So, I tried to liven it up some.; Scientists Developed Wearable Sensor Tattoo
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Scientists have developed a new body sensor that has the ability to monitor body temperature and muscle activity.
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***I rewrote the sentence using your words. I made your ending the beginning and made the beginning the end. This way the sentence is more understandable to the reader.; Monitoring body temperature and muscle activity, there is a new sensory developed by scientists.
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This new sensor is very thin and people cannot even feel the existence of the devices on the skin, according to Professor Takao Someya of the University of Tokyo.
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***In this sentence, I wanted to add a quote from one of the people who helped develop it to add credit.; This new sensor is very thin and feels like nothing after being applied.
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The current sensors irritate the skin causing redness and itching while the new sensor can be applied similarly to temporary tattoos: by dampening the patch with water and applying it onto the skin.
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*** I combined this sentence with the one that follows, they can easily make one sentence that compares and contrasts the new and old sensors.; The current wearable sensors irritate the skin causing redness and itching. This new senor can be applied similar to the children's temporary tattoos:by spraying water on the patch and sticking it onto the skin.
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It also allows the skin to breathe, preventing irritation, by molding and adapting into the skin.
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This breakthrough may soon be used to control prosthetics by electric muscle signals and monitor patients to see their progress.
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Source-https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/20/health/breathable-wearable-sensor-temporary-tattoo.html?rref=collection%2Fsectioncollection%2Fhealth&action=click&contentCollection=health&region=rank&module=package&version=highlights&contentPlacement=2&pgtype=sectionfront 
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Edited by Michael Morrow
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Tattoo-like Sensor Developed by Scientists
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 +
Scientists have developed a new body sensor that has the ability to monitor body temperature and muscle activity. This new sensor is very thin and people cannot even feel the existence of the devices on the skin, according to Professor Takao Someya of the University of Tokyo. The current sensors irritate the skin causing redness and itching while the new sensor can be applied similarly to temporary tattoos: by dampening the patch with water and applying it onto the skin. It also allows the skin to breathe, preventing irritation, by molding and adapting into the skin. This breakthrough may soon be used to control prosthetics by electric muscle signals and monitor patients to see their progress.
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 +
Source-https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/20/health/breathable-wearable-sensor-temporary-tattoo.html?rref=collection%2Fsectioncollection%2Fhealth&action=click&contentCollection=health&region=rank&module=package&version=highlights&contentPlacement=2&pgtype=sectionfront
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-----------------
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Long Time Diver Barely Escapes Cave Alive
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Xisco Gràcia and his partner, Guillem Mascaró, went to explore Sa Piqueta, a cave in Mallorca.
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***I added the commas to add the appositive.; Xisco Gràcia and his partner Guillem Mascaró went to explore Sa Piqueta, a cave in Mallorca.
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After losing their guideline to the entrance, silt blurring their vision, and air slowly running out, the divers were in grave danger.
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***In this sentence, I decided give it a story telling mood. If it is available, it would be very good to have a quote from the divers after this sentence. A quote on how they felt or what was going through their mind.; Losing their guideline back to the entrance, blurring their vision with silt, and slowly running out of air, the divers were in grave danger.
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They decided for Guillem Mascaró to go find help as fast as he could and come back to save Xisco Gràcia.
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Gràcia spent hours in an air pocket, that contained a dangerously high amount of carbon dioxide, contemplating his life and his family.
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***I omitted "countless," it really wasn't needed. Also, once you have established the people in your writing, there is no need to repeat their whole name. Just the last name will be fine and it's more professional.; Xisco Gràcia spent countless hours in an air pocket, that contained a dangerously high amount of carbon dioxide, contemplating his life and his family.
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After a while, he began to see his rescue, however, Gràcia realized it was only a hallucination, causing him to come to terms with reality and fate.
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***I cleaned the sentence up some. I gave it some transitions to make it flow smoothly and took away some words to avoid being wordy.; He soon began see his rescue to realize it was only a hallucination, causing him to come to terms with his reality and fate.
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Guillem Mascaró rescued Gràcia, who was brought to a hospital and later came back to visit the cave again.
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***Here, I am just correcting the names.
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; Guillem Mascaró luckily rescued Xisco and Xisco Gràcia was brought to a hospital, and he later came back to visit the cave again.
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Source-http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-40558067
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Edited by Michael Morrow
 +
 
 +
 
 +
Long Time Diver Barely Escapes Cave Alive
 +
 
 +
Xisco Gràcia and his partner, Guillem Mascaró, went to explore Sa Piqueta, a cave in Mallorca. After losing their guideline to the entrance, silt blurring their vision, and air slowly running out, the divers were in grave danger. They decided for Guillem Mascaró to go find help as fast as he could and come back to save Xisco Gràcia. Gràcia spent hours in an air pocket, that contained a dangerously high amount of carbon dioxide, contemplating his life and his family. After a while, he began to see his rescue, however, Gràcia realized it was only a hallucination, causing him to come to terms with reality and fate. Guillem Mascaró rescued Gràcia, who was brought to a hospital and later came back to visit the cave again.
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 +
Source-http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-40558067
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Couple Found in Glacier After Years of Searching
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75 years ago, Marcelin and Francine Dumoulin disappeared in the Alps in August 1942 leaving their seven children to be separated into different families.
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***To have the main piece of the sentence to flow easily without pause, I moved the phrase "for 75 years" to the beginning of the sentence. Also, any number nine or lower is to be spelled out. Normally, numbers 10 and up are represented by their numerical symbol unless it is a percent.; Marcelin and Francine Dumoulin disappeared, for 75 years, in the Alps in August 1942 leaving their 7 children to be separated into different families.
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Encased in a glacier, the couple was found with their shoes, backpacks, tin bowls and a glass bottle by a worker from a ski lift company.
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***I think this is a good sentence to mention that the couple was inside of a glacier seeing that it was not brought up in the passage besides the title.; The couple was found with their shoes, backpacks, tin bowls and a glass bottle by a worker from a ski lift company.
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Marceline Udry-Dumoulin and her siblings never gave up hope when looking for her parents, climbing the glacier 3 times to search for them.
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Marceline decided to finally host a funeral for her parents while wearing white instead of black to represent the hope she never lost.
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***I removed the last three words from the sentence, you got the idea known without them. I added "while" just to give a transition from one idea to the next.; Marceline decided to finally host a funeral for her parents wearing white instead of black to represent the hope she never lost for her parents.
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She said, "I can say that after 75 years of waiting this news gives me a deep sense of calm."
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***You can remove "that" from the sentence. You can keep that the comma behind "said." If you wanted to keep "that" in, you could remove the comma.; She said that, "I can say that after 75 years of waiting this news gives me a deep sense of calm."
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Multiple bodies that have been lost in the Alps are being discovered due to the rise in global temperature melting the ice.
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Source-http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-40645745
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Edited by Michael Morrow
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 +
 
 +
Couple Found in Glacier After Years of Searching
 +
 
 +
75 years ago, Marcelin and Francine Dumoulin disappeared in the Alps in August 1942 leaving their seven children to be separated into different families. Encased in a glacier, the couple was found with their shoes, backpacks, tin bowls and a glass bottle by a worker from a ski lift company. Marceline Udry-Dumoulin and her siblings never gave up hope when looking for her parents, climbing the glacier 3 times to search for them. Marceline decided to finally host a funeral for her parents while wearing white instead of black to represent the hope she never lost. She said, "I can say that after 75 years of waiting this news gives me a deep sense of calm." Multiple bodies that have been lost in the Alps are being discovered due to the rise in global temperature melting the ice.
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Source-http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-40645745
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Get Out of Your Parent's Basement
 
Get Out of Your Parent's Basement
  

Revision as of 22:30, 1 December 2017

A Change in Batteries

New alkaline batteries are cheaper and safer than the lithium-ion batteries we have today.

The new battery is safer in that it is not prone to combustion that is regularly seen in lithium-ion batteries.

      • I removed "alkaline" just to avoid being repetitive. Since the alkaline batteries are new, they can be referred to as such.; The alkaline battery is safer in that it is not prone to combustion that is regularly seen in lithium-ion batteries.

The Massachusetts tech company, Ionic Materials, said that “prototypes of a rechargeable alkaline battery right now to have up to 400 recharge cycles.”

      • I thought this would be a good moment to add merit and show who is speaking.; There has said to be prototypes of a rechargeable alkaline battery right now said to have up to 400 recharge cycles.

Another positive outcome of this new battery is that it does not rely on cobalt which is mined in Africa and is accused of using child labor while leaving toxic waste behind.

      • I just want to correct the placement of the comma in this sentence to this: "cobalt, which." But after reading it again, the comma is not needed at all when using which. Also, could you state who is accused of polluting and child labor?; Another positive outcome of this new battery is that it does not rely on cobalt , which is mined in Africa and is accused of using child labor while leaving toxic waste behind.

One downfall to this invention is that it cannot be recharged causing them to be inefficient in computers, smart phones or other electric vehicles.

Although these new alkaline batteries would be heavier, they are safer, cheaper, and good for the environment.

Source-https://www.nytimes.com/2017/08/01/technology/alkaline-batteries-replace-lithium-ion.html?rref=collection%2Fsectioncollection%2Ftechnology&action=click&contentCollection=technology&region=stream&module=stream_unit&version=latest&contentPlacement=19&pgtype=sectionfront Edited by Michael Morrow


A Change in Batteries

New alkaline batteries are cheaper and safer than the lithium-ion batteries we have today. The new battery is safer in that it is not prone to combustion that is regularly seen in lithium-ion batteries. The Massachusetts tech company, Ionic Materials, said that “prototypes of a rechargeable alkaline battery right now to have up to 400 recharge cycles.” Another positive outcome of this new battery is that it does not rely on cobalt which is mined in Africa and is accused of using child labor while leaving toxic waste behind. One downfall to this invention is that it cannot be recharged causing them to be inefficient in computers, smart phones or other electric vehicles. Although these new alkaline batteries would be heavier, they are safer, cheaper, and good for the environment. Source-https://www.nytimes.com/2017/08/01/technology/alkaline-batteries-replace-lithium-ion.html?rref=collection%2Fsectioncollection%2Ftechnology&action=click&contentCollection=technology&region=stream&module=stream_unit&version=latest&contentPlacement=19&pgtype=sectionfront




Too Focused on Protein

      • As much as I want this title to remain the same because I think it's fitting, titles really shouldn't be questions. I try to draw the titles from the info given in the passage which is why I normally revise the passage first and the title last. I decided to use revised title because it's simple and can tell readers what the subject is.; Too Much Protein?

Adults are recommended to have a daily intake of 46 grams of protein for women and 56 grams for men.

      • When reading this sentence, I just knew there were ways to incorporate "daily" earlier in the sentence. I did so by adding the phrase "a daily intake" just before the grams. I think it is better to include that earlier in the sentence rather the end.; Adults are recommended to have 46 grams of protein for women and 56 grams for men daily.

Most adults eat about double the recommended amount of protein, with some hoping to give themselves more energy while avoiding sugar, carbohydrates and steering towards high protein foods that are usually only necessary for athletes.

      • I thought these two sentences would go well together as one. I combined the two and added a transition while the two ideas.; Most adults eat about double the recommended amount of protein, some purposely doing so hoping to give themselves more energy. Avoiding sugar, carbohydrates and steering towards high protein foods that are usually only necessary for athletes.

Not only can protein be found in meat but also beans, legumes, nuts, broccoli and whole grains.

For everyday people to be consuming this high of an amount of protein, it can lead to long term risks or kidney damage.

It is also important for people to be able to identify high protein foods and monitor their consumption of the food to keep their bodies healthy.

      • I changed a few things in this sentence like the word "very." It really isn't needed and the readers can decide how important it is. Also, I cut back some words to remove wordiness.; It is also very important for people to be able to identify high protein foods and monitor their consumption of their food to keep their bodies healthy.

Source-https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/28/well/eat/how-much-protein-do-we-need.html?rref=collection%2Fsectioncollection%2Fhealth&action=click&contentCollection=health&region=stream&module=stream_unit&version=latest&contentPlacement=4&pgtype=sectionfront Edited by Michael Morrow


Too Focused on Protein

Adults are recommended to have a daily intake of 46 grams of protein for women and 56 grams for men. Most adults eat about double the recommended amount of protein, with some hoping to give themselves more energy while avoiding sugar, carbohydrates and steering towards high protein foods that are usually only necessary for athletes. Not only can protein be found in meat but also beans, legumes, nuts, broccoli and whole grains. For everyday people to be consuming this high of an amount of protein, it can lead to long term risks or kidney damage. It is also important for people to be able to identify high protein foods and monitor their consumption of the food to keep their bodies healthy.

Source-https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/28/well/eat/how-much-protein-do-we-need.html?rref=collection%2Fsectioncollection%2Fhealth&action=click&contentCollection=health&region=stream&module=stream_unit&version=latest&contentPlacement=4&pgtype=sectionfront





Virtual Reality Therapy

Dr. Dawn Jewell, a psychologist, is treating a patient that was a victim of a car crash through virtual reality by using exposure therapy to revisit the site of the crash.

This is made possible by a service called Limbix which is provided through daydream view on the new Google headset.

      • I added a much-needed transition between "Limbix" and "provided." Also, I capitalized "Google" because it is a proper noun, a name of a company.; This is made possible by a service called Limbix provided through daydream view on the new google headset.

During this process, the patient will be able to describe to their psychologist their thoughts and feelings on the topic.

      • I put a comma after "process" to signify the end of the introductory phrase.; During this process the patient will be able to describe to their psychologist their thoughts and feelings on the topic.

People can face their problems through this new technology by virtually experiencing situations that may trigger their fears or addictions.

This technology has been developing for the past two decades using research and clinical trials to further advance virtual reality.

Using these new advancements, the patients will be engaged emotionally, forcing them to face these traumas and practice real life experiences in a safe environment; However, this technology is far from perfect at the moment.

      • I added a comma behind "emotionally" and another behind "however." Plus, I lower cased "however" because words after the semicolon aren't supposed to capitalized; Using these new advancements, the patients will be engaged emotionally forcing them to face these traumas and practice real life experiences in a safe environment; However this technology is far from perfect at the moment.

Source-https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/30/technology/virtual-reality-limbix-mental-health.html?rref=collection%2Fsectioncollection%2Fhealth&action=click&contentCollection=health&region=rank&module=package&version=highlights&contentPlacement=8&pgtype=sectionfront Edited by Michael Morrow


Virtual Reality Therapy

Dr. Dawn Jewell, a psychologist, is treating a patient that was a victim of a car crash through virtual reality by using exposure therapy to revisit the site of the crash. This is made possible by a service called Limbix which is provided through daydream view on the new Google headset. During this process, the patient will be able to describe to their psychologist their thoughts and feelings on the topic. People can face their problems through this new technology by virtually experiencing situations that may trigger their fears or addictions. This technology has been developing for the past two decades using research and clinical trials to further advance virtual reality. Using these new advancements, the patients will be engaged emotionally, forcing them to face these traumas and practice real life experiences in a safe environment; However, this technology is far from perfect at the moment.

Source-https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/30/technology/virtual-reality-limbix-mental-health.html?rref=collection%2Fsectioncollection%2Fhealth&action=click&contentCollection=health&region=rank&module=package&version=highlights&contentPlacement=8&pgtype=sectionfront




Ticks Are Spreading Rapidly

The tick population is growing at a rapid rate due to the expansion of wooded areas and the increase of mice and deer.

These ticks can carry diseases from their original location along with pathogens from their new locations spreading several types of diseases to different regions.

      • I changed "different" to "several" to give a more descriptive adjective and to leave the basic vocabulary.; These ticks can carry diseases from their original location along with pathogens from their new locations spreading different types of diseases to different regions.

The Powassan virus is a rare virus that can be passed in just 15 minutes and can lead to permanent brain damage or even death.

      • Remember that if an illness if after a person or place, it should be capitalized. The virus is named after the town of Powassan, Ontario, Canada. So, I corrected that. I omitted "and dangerous" because it wasn't really necessary to the main point. When the readers see what the virus can do, they'll see if it is dangerous or not. Also, I moved the content that was behind the semicolon and added into the beginning of the sentence.; The powassan virus is a rare and dangerous virus that can lead to permanent brain damage or even death; This can be passed in just 15 minutes.

Another pathogen being passed from ticks can cause the human immune system to have an allergic reaction to red meat. This illness is called the alpha-gal syndrome.

      • I decided to drop the semicolon and break it into two sentences. Also, remember that the first word after a semicolon is not to be capitalized unless it is a proper noun.; Another pathogen being passed from ticks can cause the human immune system to have an allergic reaction to red meat; This is called the alpha-gal syndrome.

Something as little as walking in your garden barefoot can lead to getting bit by a tick.

      • This sentence seemed like it was missing a few words and made it fell incomplete so I added what I thought was right.; Something as little as walking down your garden barefoot can lead to getting a tick.

It is very important for people to take precautions towards these ticks and their diseases because it affects humans more than we realize.

Source-https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/24/health/ticks-disease-united-states.html?rref=collection%2Fsectioncollection%2Fhealth&action=click&contentCollection=health&region=rank&module=package&version=highlights&contentPlacement=7&pgtype=sectionfront Edited by Michael Morrow


Ticks Are Spreading Rapidly

The tick population is growing at a rapid rate due to the expansion of wooded areas and the increase of mice and deer. These ticks can carry diseases from their original location along with pathogens from their new locations spreading several types of diseases to different regions. The Powassan virus is a rare virus that can be passed in just 15 minutes and can lead to permanent brain damage or even death. Another pathogen being passed from ticks can cause the human immune system to have an allergic reaction to red meat. This illness is called the alpha-gal syndrome. Something as little as walking in your garden barefoot can lead to getting bit by a tick. It is very important for people to take precautions towards these ticks and their diseases because it affects humans more than we realize.

Source-https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/24/health/ticks-disease-united-states.html?rref=collection%2Fsectioncollection%2Fhealth&action=click&contentCollection=health&region=rank&module=package&version=highlights&contentPlacement=7&pgtype=sectionfront




C.T.E. in 110 N.F.L. Players

      • I rewrote the sentence to add simplicity and clarity while being brief.; NFL Brain Damage All but One Out of 111

Neuropathologist, Dr. Ann McKeechronic, studied the brains of 202 football players. 111 of them being NFL athletes and 110 of them having chronic traumatic encephalopathy.

Chronic traumatic encephalopathy, or C.T.E, is caused by repetitive impacts to the head causing symptoms that can continue even after the impacts have stopped.

      • I removed "Chronic traumatic encephalopathy or C.T.E" from the sentence below and added it here. It was more fitting to introduce the disease in the second sentence instead of the third.; This disease is caused by repetitive impacts to the head causing many symptoms that can continue even after the impacts have stopped.

The brain disease can only be diagnosed after death, so to prevent this earlier, Jeff Miller, the N.F.L.’s senior vice president for health and safety, is trying to promote a safer version of the sport called flag football.

      • As I said before, I removed the "Chronic traumatic encephalopathy or C.T.E" part of this sentence to put in another sentence. In its place, I will put in "The brain disease." I think it would beneficial if you said who this top official was. I know it doesn't name the individual in the article, however it does have a link to another that does have his name.Therefore, so we know who it is, I added the name and position of this official. I reworded the ending of the sentence as well.; Chronic traumatic encephalopathy or C.T.E can only be diagnosed after death, so to prevent this earlier, N.F.L.’s top health and safety official are trying to promote a safer version of this sport, such as flag football.

The linemen, more than any other position, take the most number of blows. On average, the linemen are hit 62 times in one game and each one came with an average force on the player’s head equivalent to a car being driven into a brick wall at 30 m.p.h.

      • So, I split this one sentence into two. The second sentence was the most confusing to read and revise of the two. I simplified the sentence to make it easier to read.; The linemen more than any other position take the most amount of blows, more specifically, an average of 62 times and Each one came with an average force on the player’s head equivalent to what you would see if he had driven his car into a brick wall at 30 m.p.h

Of 202 brains tested, 87 percent tested positive for C.T.E proving that football is a major problem in this sense.

      • I added a comma at the beginning of the sentence as it is an introductory phrase.; Of 202 brains tested 87 percent tested positive for C.T.E proving that football is a major problem in this sense.

There are many things to still be discovered about C.T.E as the article asks a series of questions, "Who gets it, who doesn’t, and why? Can anything be done to stop the degeneration once it begins? How many blows to the head, and at what levels, must occur for C.T.E. to take hold?"

      • I added a strong transition to help the sentence move along.; There are many things to still be discovered about C.T.E: "Who gets it, who doesn’t, and why? Can anything be done to stop the degeneration once it begins? How many blows to the head, and at what levels, must occur for C.T.E. to take hold?"

Source- https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2017/07/25/sports/football/nfl-cte.html?hp&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&clickSource=story-heading&module=second-column-region&region=top-news&WT.nav=top-news Edited by Michael Morrow


C.T.E. in 110 N.F.L. Players

Neuropathologist, Dr. Ann McKeechronic, studied the brains of 202 football players. 111 of them being NFL athletes and 110 of them having chronic traumatic encephalopathy. Chronic traumatic encephalopathy, or C.T.E, is caused by repetitive impacts to the head causing symptoms that can continue even after the impacts have stopped. The brain disease can only be diagnosed after death, so to prevent this earlier, Jeff Miller, the N.F.L.’s senior vice president for health and safety, is trying to promote a safer version of the sport called flag football. The linemen, more than any other position, take the most number of blows. On average, the linemen are hit 62 times in one game and each one came with an average force on the player’s head equivalent to a car being driven into a brick wall at 30 m.p.h. Of 202 brains tested, 87 percent tested positive for C.T.E proving that football is a major problem in this sense. There are many things to still be discovered about C.T.E as the article asks a series of questions, "Who gets it, who doesn’t, and why? Can anything be done to stop the degeneration once it begins? How many blows to the head, and at what levels, must occur for C.T.E. to take hold?"

Source- https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2017/07/25/sports/football/nfl-cte.html?hp&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&clickSource=story-heading&module=second-column-region&region=top-news&WT.nav=top-news




Tattoo-like Sensor Developed by Scientists

      • The original sentence seemed like it was taken from the middle of a sentence. It seemed awkward. So, I tried to liven it up some.; Scientists Developed Wearable Sensor Tattoo

Scientists have developed a new body sensor that has the ability to monitor body temperature and muscle activity.

      • I rewrote the sentence using your words. I made your ending the beginning and made the beginning the end. This way the sentence is more understandable to the reader.; Monitoring body temperature and muscle activity, there is a new sensory developed by scientists.

This new sensor is very thin and people cannot even feel the existence of the devices on the skin, according to Professor Takao Someya of the University of Tokyo.

      • In this sentence, I wanted to add a quote from one of the people who helped develop it to add credit.; This new sensor is very thin and feels like nothing after being applied.

The current sensors irritate the skin causing redness and itching while the new sensor can be applied similarly to temporary tattoos: by dampening the patch with water and applying it onto the skin.

      • I combined this sentence with the one that follows, they can easily make one sentence that compares and contrasts the new and old sensors.; The current wearable sensors irritate the skin causing redness and itching. This new senor can be applied similar to the children's temporary tattoos:by spraying water on the patch and sticking it onto the skin.

It also allows the skin to breathe, preventing irritation, by molding and adapting into the skin.

This breakthrough may soon be used to control prosthetics by electric muscle signals and monitor patients to see their progress.

Source-https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/20/health/breathable-wearable-sensor-temporary-tattoo.html?rref=collection%2Fsectioncollection%2Fhealth&action=click&contentCollection=health&region=rank&module=package&version=highlights&contentPlacement=2&pgtype=sectionfront Edited by Michael Morrow


Tattoo-like Sensor Developed by Scientists

Scientists have developed a new body sensor that has the ability to monitor body temperature and muscle activity. This new sensor is very thin and people cannot even feel the existence of the devices on the skin, according to Professor Takao Someya of the University of Tokyo. The current sensors irritate the skin causing redness and itching while the new sensor can be applied similarly to temporary tattoos: by dampening the patch with water and applying it onto the skin. It also allows the skin to breathe, preventing irritation, by molding and adapting into the skin. This breakthrough may soon be used to control prosthetics by electric muscle signals and monitor patients to see their progress.

Source-https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/20/health/breathable-wearable-sensor-temporary-tattoo.html?rref=collection%2Fsectioncollection%2Fhealth&action=click&contentCollection=health&region=rank&module=package&version=highlights&contentPlacement=2&pgtype=sectionfront




Long Time Diver Barely Escapes Cave Alive

Xisco Gràcia and his partner, Guillem Mascaró, went to explore Sa Piqueta, a cave in Mallorca.

      • I added the commas to add the appositive.; Xisco Gràcia and his partner Guillem Mascaró went to explore Sa Piqueta, a cave in Mallorca.

After losing their guideline to the entrance, silt blurring their vision, and air slowly running out, the divers were in grave danger.

      • In this sentence, I decided give it a story telling mood. If it is available, it would be very good to have a quote from the divers after this sentence. A quote on how they felt or what was going through their mind.; Losing their guideline back to the entrance, blurring their vision with silt, and slowly running out of air, the divers were in grave danger.

They decided for Guillem Mascaró to go find help as fast as he could and come back to save Xisco Gràcia.

Gràcia spent hours in an air pocket, that contained a dangerously high amount of carbon dioxide, contemplating his life and his family.

      • I omitted "countless," it really wasn't needed. Also, once you have established the people in your writing, there is no need to repeat their whole name. Just the last name will be fine and it's more professional.; Xisco Gràcia spent countless hours in an air pocket, that contained a dangerously high amount of carbon dioxide, contemplating his life and his family.

After a while, he began to see his rescue, however, Gràcia realized it was only a hallucination, causing him to come to terms with reality and fate.

      • I cleaned the sentence up some. I gave it some transitions to make it flow smoothly and took away some words to avoid being wordy.; He soon began see his rescue to realize it was only a hallucination, causing him to come to terms with his reality and fate.

Guillem Mascaró rescued Gràcia, who was brought to a hospital and later came back to visit the cave again.

      • Here, I am just correcting the names.
Guillem Mascaró luckily rescued Xisco and Xisco Gràcia was brought to a hospital, and he later came back to visit the cave again.

Source-http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-40558067 Edited by Michael Morrow


Long Time Diver Barely Escapes Cave Alive

Xisco Gràcia and his partner, Guillem Mascaró, went to explore Sa Piqueta, a cave in Mallorca. After losing their guideline to the entrance, silt blurring their vision, and air slowly running out, the divers were in grave danger. They decided for Guillem Mascaró to go find help as fast as he could and come back to save Xisco Gràcia. Gràcia spent hours in an air pocket, that contained a dangerously high amount of carbon dioxide, contemplating his life and his family. After a while, he began to see his rescue, however, Gràcia realized it was only a hallucination, causing him to come to terms with reality and fate. Guillem Mascaró rescued Gràcia, who was brought to a hospital and later came back to visit the cave again.

Source-http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-40558067




Couple Found in Glacier After Years of Searching

75 years ago, Marcelin and Francine Dumoulin disappeared in the Alps in August 1942 leaving their seven children to be separated into different families.

      • To have the main piece of the sentence to flow easily without pause, I moved the phrase "for 75 years" to the beginning of the sentence. Also, any number nine or lower is to be spelled out. Normally, numbers 10 and up are represented by their numerical symbol unless it is a percent.; Marcelin and Francine Dumoulin disappeared, for 75 years, in the Alps in August 1942 leaving their 7 children to be separated into different families.

Encased in a glacier, the couple was found with their shoes, backpacks, tin bowls and a glass bottle by a worker from a ski lift company.

      • I think this is a good sentence to mention that the couple was inside of a glacier seeing that it was not brought up in the passage besides the title.; The couple was found with their shoes, backpacks, tin bowls and a glass bottle by a worker from a ski lift company.

Marceline Udry-Dumoulin and her siblings never gave up hope when looking for her parents, climbing the glacier 3 times to search for them.

Marceline decided to finally host a funeral for her parents while wearing white instead of black to represent the hope she never lost.

      • I removed the last three words from the sentence, you got the idea known without them. I added "while" just to give a transition from one idea to the next.; Marceline decided to finally host a funeral for her parents wearing white instead of black to represent the hope she never lost for her parents.

She said, "I can say that after 75 years of waiting this news gives me a deep sense of calm."

      • You can remove "that" from the sentence. You can keep that the comma behind "said." If you wanted to keep "that" in, you could remove the comma.; She said that, "I can say that after 75 years of waiting this news gives me a deep sense of calm."

Multiple bodies that have been lost in the Alps are being discovered due to the rise in global temperature melting the ice.

Source-http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-40645745 Edited by Michael Morrow


Couple Found in Glacier After Years of Searching

75 years ago, Marcelin and Francine Dumoulin disappeared in the Alps in August 1942 leaving their seven children to be separated into different families. Encased in a glacier, the couple was found with their shoes, backpacks, tin bowls and a glass bottle by a worker from a ski lift company. Marceline Udry-Dumoulin and her siblings never gave up hope when looking for her parents, climbing the glacier 3 times to search for them. Marceline decided to finally host a funeral for her parents while wearing white instead of black to represent the hope she never lost. She said, "I can say that after 75 years of waiting this news gives me a deep sense of calm." Multiple bodies that have been lost in the Alps are being discovered due to the rise in global temperature melting the ice.

Source-http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-40645745




Get Out of Your Parent's Basement

Young adults are unable to find decent living spaces.

Most living spaces are limited and very expensive for kids who are in debt after college.

      • I just removed "tons of" because it's not really needed. Normally a heavy amount is already implied when it comes to college debt.; Most living spaces are limited and very expensive for kids who are in tons of debt after college.

However, Ravi Naik has created a company called Katerra, where he is the Senior Vice President for Technology.

      • I think it would be helpful if we know what Ravi does too, to make the statement stronger.; However, Ravi Naik has created a company called Katerra.

Katerra's purpose is to create buildings and spaces quickly and efficiently.

Naik said that "Katerra finished the construction of an entire first floor of a multi-unit residential building in just six hours"

      • Whenever you want to quote someone, be sure to use quotes. And I decided to use to original quote because it better fits the sentence than the paraphrased part.; Naik said that Katerra finished the construction of a first floor of a multi-unit building in six hours.

Katerra's revolutionary mission will change the construction business while helping young adults come out of their parents' homes and find a place of their own to call home.

      • This sentence was confusing to read, silently and aloud. It seemed like it could have been written to be two sentences but I revised it to add clarity and to give an overall conclusion to the piece.; Katerra is revolutionary and it will change the construction business and help young adults come out of their parents'

basements and live in their own place.

Source:http://www.digitalistmag.com/digital-supply-networks/2017/09/29/builder-gets-young-adults-out-of-your-basement-05383588 Edited by Michael Morrow


Get Out of Your Parent's Basement

Young adults are unable to find decent living spaces. Most living spaces are limited and very expensive for kids who are in debt after college. However, Ravi Naik has created a company called Katerra, where he is the Senior Vice President for Technology. Katerra's purpose is to create buildings and spaces quickly and efficiently. Naik said that "Katerra finished the construction of an entire first floor of a multi-unit residential building in just six hours." Katerra's revolutionary mission will change the construction business while helping young adults come out of their parents' homes and find a place of their own to call home.

Source:http://www.digitalistmag.com/digital-supply-networks/2017/09/29/builder-gets-young-adults-out-of-your-basement-05383588


Fight or Flight… or Frozen

      • I think this title is still a work in progress and a step in the right direction. The original had quotations and was kind of bland. It wouldn’t grab too many people’s attention. This revised title has a little more character, but can be better.;"Fight or Flight" and Freeze

“Fight” and “Flight” are the primitive responses in humans, however, “freeze” is another response that animals usually do.

      • I encased “fight,” “flight,” and “freeze” in quotations because the words can’t standalone while not using the intended meaning of the word. I changed “to” to “in” because the response is internal. A response can’t occur to a person but can occur within a person.; Fight and Flight are the primitive responses to humans, however freeze is another response that animals usually do.

Some humans "freeze" when they are in a threatening position, but this is involuntary.

      • The context of the sentence is confusing, it comes from the word choice I believe. Maybe you could find a different word besides “response” in the sentence. What do you mean by response? I thought “position” would be more suitable.; Some humans "freeze" when they are in a threatening response, but this is involuntary.

"Our primitive brain takes over and immobilizes us, " says Dr. Rachael Sharman, a psychologist.

      • You need to state where you got this quote from. Either the place or person would be fine. I went in and found the writer and some background on her.; "Our primitive brain takes over and immobilizes us. "

When that happens, humans are reported to have little or no memory from the trauma.

      • I just added a few words to help the sentence flow better.; When that happens, humans report to have little or no memory from the trauma.

This can only happen when the event is so shocking or overwhelming that the brain shuts down.

Basically, when it comes down to a dangerous situation, you can "fight and flight" or freeze.

Source: https://www.popsci.com/why-do-we-freeze-when-frightened Edited by Michael Morrow


Fight or Flight… or Frozen

“Fight” and “Flight” are the primitive responses in humans, however “freeze” is another response that animals usually do. Some humans "freeze" when they are in a threatening position, but this is involuntary. "Our primitive brain takes over and immobilizes us, " says Dr. Rachael Sharman, a psychologist. When that happens, humans are reported to have little or no memory from the trauma. This can only happen when the event is so shocking or overwhelming that the brain shuts down. Basically, when it comes down to a dangerous situation, you can "fight and flight" or freeze.

Source: https://www.popsci.com/why-do-we-freeze-when-frightened



CTE in Football

      • The title needs something more descriptive than "Football Disease." It doesn't tell the reader anything about what the passage is about. In fact, football disease could mean anything. That's why it is important to be specific and detailed. The new title "CTE in Football" gives a different light to the passage. The reader now knows what the passage will be talking about.; Football Disease


Football is a very dangerous sport that involves with uncountable injuries.

However, one serious injury can cause brain cell damage and death: Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy, or CTE, a degenerative brain disease that affects the brain over time.

      • I decided to combine these two sentences since they are both short and simple. The first sentence remained to same then a colon was added to reveal what this injury is and what it does.; However, one serious injury can cause brain cell damage and death. Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy(CTE) is a degenerative brain disease that affects the brain over time.

Football players receive repetitive blows to the head causing dead brain cells.

      • I omitted "for example" because it seemed out of place in the sentence. The transition phrase didn't need to be there and the sentence as a whole did not need one.; For example, football players receive repetitive blows to the head causing dead brain cells.

Scientists said, "Of the 111 study subjects who'd played for the NFL, all but one had CTE."

      • I omitted "with hard evidence" from the sentence. It seemed silly to say. All there needs to be is just "Scientists say." We know they have the evidence. And what is supposed to be "hard" about the evidence? And would the audience reading this consider the evidence to be "hard?" Also, whenever you quote in the way you did, always put a comma after "said."
Scientists with hard evidence said " Of the 111 study subjects who'd played for the NFL, all but one had CTE."

When CTE accumulates the symptoms include: memory loss, dementia, confusion, depression, and behavioral problems.

Thus, people who have more concussions and head injuries will get this unfortunate disease.

Source: http://www.popsci.com/CTE-football-NFL-new-study Edited by Michael Morrow


CTE in Football

Football is a very dangerous sport that involves with uncountable injuries. However, one serious injury can cause brain cell damage and death: Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy, or CTE, a degenerative brain disease that affects the brain over time. Football players receive repetitive blows to the head causing dead brain cells. Scientists said, "Of the 111 study subjects who'd played for the NFL, all but one had CTE." When CTE accumulates the symptoms include: memory loss, dementia, confusion, depression, and behavioral problems. Thus, people who have more concussions and head injuries will get this unfortunate disease.

Source: http://www.popsci.com/CTE-football-NFL-new-study




Nike Looks to Sell 3-D Shoes

      • It is advised to not have questions as a title. Something simple can be made from the material presented. You could use "Nike Looks to Sell 3D Shoes.";3-D Printed shoes for sale?

Nike has plans to create and mass-produce sneakers by using 3-D printers.

The printer, the Multi Jet Fusion 3D Printing Solution, can produce sneakers 10 times faster than regular productions at half the cost.

      • You're missing an article after the first comma. I put in "the" to help it.; The printer, Multi Jet Fusion 3D Printing Solution, can produce sneakers 10 times faster than regular productions at half the cost.

The Multi Jet Fusion 3D Printing Solution is the world's first production-ready 3-D printer.

There is not enough information regarding what Nike will 3-D print, but Nike will most likely use it for custom or on-demand items.

      • There was a wird missing between "information" and "what" so I added "regarding" to help the understanding.; There is not enough information what Nike will 3-D print, but Nike will most likely use it for custom or on-demand items.

There are other companies that are using the same printer like BMW and Johnson&Johnson.

Once Nike starts creating 3-D printed shoes, the trend of printed shoes will become popular.

Source:http://www.complex.com/sneakers/2016/05/hp-3-d-printer-jet-fusion-nike Edited by Michael Morrow


Nike Looks to Sell 3-D Shoes

Nike has plans to create and mass-produce sneakers by using 3-D printers. The printer, the Multi Jet Fusion 3D Printing Solution, can produce sneakers 10 times faster than regular productions at half the cost. The Multi Jet Fusion 3D Printing Solution is the world's first production-ready 3-D printer. There is not enough information regarding what Nike will 3-D print, but Nike will most likely use it for custom or on-demand items. There are other companies that are using the same printer like BMW and Johnson&Johnson. Once Nike starts creating 3-D printed shoes, the trend of printed shoes will become popular.

Source:http://www.complex.com/sneakers/2016/05/hp-3-d-printer-jet-fusion-nike



The Complex Diet of a Vegetarian/Vegan

      • I decided to focus on the facts given and base the title off of that. In the passage, you talk about all this info and it should be reflected in the title. And do not forget to capitalize every word in the title.; Are you a real or fake vegetarian/vegan?

When it comes to a vegan or vegetarian diet, many choose two different ways of eating, either the plant diet index(PDI), the healthful plant-based diet(hPDI), or the unhealthy plant-based diet(uPDI).

In Ambika Satija's case, a postdoctoral fellow at Harvard T. H. Chan School of Public Health, she created an experiment of people who have a PDI or an hPDI.

      • It would be beneficial to the passage if you include Satija's merit. Whenever it comes to research and scientific based work, it is very important to acknowledge a person's merit. It allows people to decide if the person is credible or not.; In Ambika Satija's case, she created an experiment of people who have a PDI or an hPDI.

From the data compiled from both diets, hPDI had a reduced risk of heart disease and attacks compared to PDI and uPDI.

      • I added words in the beginning to make a smoother transition. I removed the parenthesis from the sentence as they are not needed.; From the data of both diets,(hPDI) had a reduced risk of heart disease and attacks compared to (PDI) and (uPDI).

People who ate the hPDI diet digested more foods like whole grains, nuts, fruits, and vegetables, but less of sugar foods, potatoes, animal fat, and meat.

      • I tried to make the sentence more sensible. It was all most confusing to read and seemed like the writer forgot to add some words. I gave the sentence a solid introduction that properly leads into the main point.;hPDI ate more foods like whole grains, nuts, fruits, and vegetables, but less of sugar foods, potatoes, animal fat, and meat.

People shouldn't call themselves vegetarians or vegans when they eat junk foods like sugary beverages, french fries, and fake fried chicken.

      • I added an apostrophe in "cant" because contractions require one. There is not too much wrong with this sentence. However, I highly recommend not sounding so "judgy" when writing. So, I fixed in a way. But I recommend you consider a revision if the sentence of omitting it from the passage.; People cant call themselves vegetarians or vegans when those people eat junk foods like sugary beverages, french fries, and fake fried chicken.

Thus, individuals must choose wisely of what is eaten and drunken to sustain a healthy vegetarian/vegan diet.

      • In this situation, I don't think it's important to use "you" in the sentence. Especially, when you never acknowledged the "you" prior to the closing sentence besides the title. I revised it to make it sound less targeted and more general.
Thus, you must choose wisely of what you eat and drink to sustain a healthy vegetarian/vegan diet.

Source:http://www.popsci.com/vegetarian-vegan-not-always-healthy Edited by Michael Morrow

The Complex Diet of a Vegetarian/Vegan

When it comes to a vegan or vegetarian diet, many choose two different ways of eating, either the plant diet index(PDI), the healthful plant-based diet(hPDI), or the unhealthy plant-based diet(uPDI). In Ambika Satija's case, a postdoctoral fellow at Harvard T. H. Chan School of Public Health, she created an experiment of people who have a PDI or an hPDI. From the data compiled from both diets, hPDI had a reduced risk of heart disease and attacks compared to PDI and uPDI. People who ate the hPDI diet digested more foods like whole grains, nuts, fruits, and vegetables, but less of sugar foods, potatoes, animal fat, and meat. People shouldn't call themselves vegetarians or vegans when they eat junk foods like sugary beverages, french fries, and fake fried chicken. Thus, individuals must choose wisely of what is eaten and drunken to sustain a healthy vegetarian/vegan diet.

Source:http://www.popsci.com/vegetarian-vegan-not-always-healthy


Ravens: Terrifyingly Smart

      • I chose this title because I thought it would be okay to add both elements of the fact the the birds are smart while being scary. ; Ravens:One of the Smartest Animals


When it comes to thinking of ravens, many are either terrified or annoyed by these birds.

However, these "terrifying" birds are a lot smarter than we thought.

      • I made a small revision here, I removed "they were." I felt that these were just extra unnecessary words. You still have the same message as the original.; However, these "terrifying" birds are a lot smarter than we thought they were.

Ravens can solve puzzles, use animals to their disposal, and communicate with each other.

      • I made some corrections in this sentence: you used "there" instead of "their" and you used the wrong form of "dispose." In this case, you should be using "disposal" and not "disposable." I think this sentence needs help. Yiu could insert another sentence talking about how they do these things. Or you can add more detail in this sentence. What kind of puzzles? How do they use other animals? What ways do they communicate with each other that are different from other birds?; Ravens can solve puzzles, use animals to there disposable, and communicate with each other.

Two scientists at Lund University, in Sweden, examined the behavior of some ravens and found an incredible discovery.

      • I added two commas in the sentence to make an appositive. I changed "tested on" into "examined the behavior of" to give this piece a more scientific feel to it. PLus, it is not as simple as the original while not being over complicated.; Two scientists at Lund University in Sweden tested on some ravens and found an incredible discovery.

In the experiment, the ravens had the choice of a tiny food crumb or a tool, they would rather use the tool to open a container of more food.

      • I switched word choices in this sentence. Instead of "a choosing", I used "the choice." And to match I changed "and" to "or."; In the experiment, the ravens had a choosing of a tiny food crumb and a tool, they would rather use the tool to open a container of more food.

In conclusion, these ravens should not be feared but should be admired for their intelligence.

      • I changed the ending of the sentence to match the rest of the passage. This passage is geared towards their intelligence and not about respect. I think it is more about admiration than respect and if you think about, respect comes with admiration.; In conclusion, these ravens should not be feared but should receive respect from all humans.


Source:http://www.popsci.com/ravens-smart-plan-ahead Edited by Michael Morrow

Ravens: Terrifyingly Smart When it comes to thinking of ravens, many are either terrified or annoyed by these birds. However, these "terrifying" birds are a lot smarter than we thought. Ravens can solve puzzles, use animals to their disposal, and communicate with each other. Two scientists at Lund University, in Sweden, examined the behavior of some ravens and found an incredible discovery. In the experiment, the ravens had the choice of a tiny food crumb or a tool, they would rather use the tool to open a container of more food. In conclusion, these ravens should not be feared but should be admired for their intelligence.



Moon Express Coming Soon

Moon Express is hoping to be the first commercial company to land on the Moon and win the $20 million XPrize.

      • I omitted "a company" from the sentence because it's not needed. However, you can more detailed information in that space, if you want. Instead of saying "a company," you could say "a Silicon Valley company" or "a company ran by space entrepreneurs."; Moon Express, a company, is hoping to be the first commercial company to land on the Moon and win the $20 million XPrize.

Not only that, Moon Express also has plans for building a robotic outpost on the Moon by 2020.

Moon Express is assembling three different robots for three different missions: the first, "Lunar Scout" will launch this year and it will dispatch a small telescope and a laser range finder to achieve the prize of $20 million, the second, called "Lunar Outpost" will inspect the frozen water and minerals in and on the Moon, the third robot, "Harvest Moon", will extract samples of the Moon and will be used for scientific purposes.

Like many other experiences with space equipment, the price of materials is expensive so the company is hoping to receive federal funding for the project.

      • I changed some of the word choices in this sentence. The second half seemed like it was missing a word, so I revised it. Instead of saying "very high," I replaced it with "expensive" which is less cliche than the latter. If you know at least an estimate on the cost of the materials, you can add that. Plus, I removed "Moon Express" because there is no need to repeat it multiple times. Especially when it is the only company being mentioned.; Like many other experiences with space equipment, the price of creating is very high so Moon Express is hoping to receive federal funding for the project.

However, if Moon Express does not receive the necessary funding, then there will be cost overruns and delays.

      • I just wanted to rewrite the phrasing in this sentence. I changed the tone to give it a more urgent sound.; However, if Moon Express is not funded then there will be cost overruns and delays.

In conclusion, with help from others, Moon Express will achieve the goal of winning the XPrize competition and going into space.

      • Even though I revised the conclusion of this passage, I very much recommend you rewriting this closer sentence. Your sentence says something different than what is discussed above. You never mentioned other big businesses and never established how they will be well known. So, I think you should brain storm on a more cohesive conclusion.; In conclusion, big businesses are competing to go to space and the company Moon Express will achieve that goal and will be well known.

Source: http://www.popsci.com/moon-express-lunar-outpost Edited by Michael Morrow

Moon Express Coming Soon Moon Express is hoping to be the first commercial company to land on the Moon and win the $20 million XPrize. Not only that, Moon Express also has plans for building a robotic outpost on the Moon by 2020. Moon Express is assembling three different robots for three different missions: the first, "Lunar Scout" will launch this year and it will dispatch a small telescope and a laser range finder to achieve the prize of $20 million, the second, called "Lunar Outpost" will inspect the frozen water and minerals in and on the Moon, the third robot, “Harvest Moon", will extract samples of the Moon and will be used for scientific purposes. Like many other experiences with space equipment, the price of materials is expensive so the company is hoping to receive federal funding for the project. However, if Moon Express does not receive the necessary funding, then there will be cost overruns and delays. In conclusion, with help from others, Moon Express will achieve the goal of winning the XPrize competition and going into space.



Giving Happiness

Scientists recently studied that giving makes us happy.

Zurich scientists organized a 50-person experiment which tested patients and examined their happiness levels after acts of generosity.

      • With this sentence, I decided the reword and reorganize it. The original had a lot of unnecessary words that were taken out. I don’t think it was really important to say the experiment was conducted “at a lab.” Since scientists were involved with the study, it's already implied that the setting is in a lab or in that similar setting.; Scientists organized an experiment with 50 people at a lab in Zurich who tested the patients and examined their happiness levels after acts of generosity.

After each test, the patients’ brains would be examined with an MRI scan in which the scientists discovered that an area of the brain was triggered and would give a response to another part of the brain.

      • This is another revised sentence where I switched phrases in the sentence. I replaced the first “and” with “in which.” I did it to cut down on how many times “and” is being used and make the sentence much clearer.; After each test, the scientists would examine the test patients’ brains with an MRI scan and discovered that an area of the brain was triggered and gave a response to another part of the brain.

The scientists created a scenario where two distinct groups were either to spend money for others or to spend on themselves.

      • This was a good sentence, however I just made different word choices. The word “different” can be omitted or possibly replaced with “distinct” or “separate.”; The scientists created a scenario that two different groups were either to spend money for others or to spend on themselves.

The group that spent money on others was happier than the other group that only spent on themselves.

Therefore, spending money on others will make you happy and create a triggered response to different parts of the brain.

      • I recommend changing "thus" to "therefore" as the transition of your closing sentence. "Therefore" is normally a better closer than "thus" and signifies the end.; Thus, spending money on others will make you happy and create a triggered response to different parts of the brain.


Source:https://www.seeker.com/health/mind/happiness-from-being-generous-has-a-neural-basis-within-the-brain Edited by Michael Morrow

Giving Happiness Scientists recently studied that giving makes us happy. Zurich scientists organized a 50-person experiment which tested patients and examined their happiness levels after acts of generosity. After each test, the patients’ brains would be examined with an MRI scan in which the scientists discovered that an area of the brain was triggered and would give a response to another part of the brain. The scientists created a scenario where two distinct groups were either to spend money for others or to spend on themselves. The group that spent money on others was happier than the other group that only spent on themselves. Therefore, spending money on others will make you happy and create a triggered response to different parts of the brain.


Is Immortality Good or Bad?

      • I wanted to title more catchy while being straight to the point. That's what I came up with. I think on this subject topic, you can get very creative with the title.; Living Longer: Good or Bad?

We, as humans, have always wanted to live longer.

      • I added the commas and “as” to the sentence. This is a moment where you could use commas because if left as is, it wouldn't make since. Another suggestion is saying "As humans, we have always wanted to live longer."; We humans have always wanted to live longer.

With many ways to live longer and life expectancy already varies greatly, but we won’t become immortal.

      • I feel like this sentence was missing something to really connect the first and second half of the sentence. I tried adding to the first half of the sentence, but don't be afraid to go back into your source and see what changes you can make.; Life expectancy already varies greatly, but we won’t become immortal.


There are many ethical reasons that humans shouldn’t live longer than regular expectancy.

One concern is that if there is a method to live longer, not everyone can have the money to pay for either the procedure or medicine.

      • I just changed "way" to "method" to avoid being cliche.; One concern is that if there is a way to live longer, not everyone can have the money to pay for either the procedure or medicine.

Another example is, lifespan extension can change the way of political, social change, inheritance, and other important factors of life.

      • Instead of using "more" at the end if the sentence, I changed it to a more specific version of "more." Since these elements you list are important to life, you can address them as such.; Another example is, lifespan extension can change the way of political, social change, inheritance, and more.

In conclusion, if we are able to live longer, there will be many complications for humans all over the world.

      • I changed a few words in the sentence while still conveying the same message. So, you won't have to be repetitive, I omitted "ethical problems" and put in "complications." The new words broaden the view just beyond the ethics.; In conclusion, if we do live longer, there will be many ethical problems for humans all over the world.

Source:http://www.popsci.com/ethics-living-longer Edited by Michael Morrow

Is Immortality Good or Bad? We, as humans, have always wanted to live longer. With many ways to live longer and life expectancy already varies greatly, but we won’t become immortal. There are many ethical reasons that humans shouldn’t live longer than regular expectancy. One concern is that if there is a method to live longer, not everyone can have the money to pay for either the procedure or medicine. Another example is, lifespan extension can change the way of political, social change, inheritance, and other important factors of life. In conclusion, if we are able to live longer, there will be many complications for humans all over the world.


Engineering with Replicas to Save Dams

Michael Johnson, Utah State University hydraulics engineering professor, and other engineers created the Oroville Dam replica.

      • Originally, I put "Michael Johnson" is enclosed in commas but didn't like the way it was shown. Normally in work like this, the person's name is first and their title is in commas.; Utah State University hydraulics engineering professor Michael Johnson and other engineers created the Oroville Dam replica

Michael Johnson created this dam replica to examine one of two channels that run the width of the spillway to allow air into the water to prevent bubble formations that can damage the concrete spillway of the real dam.

These new channels, called aerators, cost $300 million to reconstruct and will be applied by November when the winter rains and snow come to increase the water's volume in the dam.

      • I just made a small change at the end. I switched the words around and removed some while keeping the same meaning.; These new channels, called aerators, cost $300 million to reconstruct and will be applied by November when the winter rains and snow come to increase the volume of the water in the dam.

The simulation of the 100-foot (30-meter) long replica, that took 40 days to build, begins with a crew member opening a large valve that sends water down a chute modeled after the spillway and crashing into blocks that disperse and send waves to a replica of the river.

      • I enclosed "that took 40 days to build" in commas. That was like side information or an appositive which always are separated in the sentence by commas. And I removed "it" at the end, it was not needed. ; The simulation of the 100-foot (30-meter) long replica that took 40 days to build begins with a crew member opening a large valve that sends water down a chute modeled after the spillway and crashing into blocks that disperse it and send it in waves to a replica of the river.

With the help of the simulation, hydrologists can calculate the velocity of the water and track down how much air is going into the water, which can lead to the complete testing of the aerators.

      • With this sentence, I just wanted to "polish" it. Change phrasing and words to make it more appealing. For example, I gave the transition some help.; With this simulation, hydrologists can calculate the velocity of the water and track down how much air is going into the water, which leads up to the complete testing of the aerators.

By utilizing this new type of technology, there will be fewer floods, evacuations, and less anxiety about the disastrous effects of inefficient dams.

      • The beginning of this sentence or the one before it can be changed. If you already used it once, there no need to use it twice. So, I found a replacement for this beginning transition. And I thought "inefficient" would be a better word than "faulty."; With this new type of technology, there will be fewer floods, evacuations, and less anxiety about the disastrous effects of faulty dams.

Sources: http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2017/jun/26/engineers-use-replica-to-pinpoint-california-dam-r/ Edited by Michael Morrow

Engineering with Replicas to Save Dams Michael Johnson, Utah State University hydraulics engineering professor, and other engineers created the Oroville Dam replica. Michael Johnson created this dam replica to examine one of two channels that run the width of the spillway to allow air into the water to prevent bubble formations that can damage the concrete spillway of the real dam. These new channels, called aerators, cost $300 million to reconstruct and will be applied by November when the winter rains and snow come to increase the water's volume in the dam. The simulation of the 100-foot (30-meter) long replica, that took 40 days to build, begins with a crew member opening a large valve that sends water down a chute modeled after the spillway and crashing into blocks that disperse and send waves to a replica of the river. With the help of the simulation, hydrologists can calculate the velocity of the water and track down how much air is going into the water, which can lead to the complete testing of the aerators. By utilizing this new type of technology, there will be fewer floods, evacuations, and less anxiety about the disastrous effects of inefficient dams.




The Health Ranger Takes on the EPA

The ever-vigilant, health conscious Mike Adams, AKA the Health Ranger, has announced that he will single-handedly assure that the U.S.'s water supply will be tested for its contaminants.

      • I changed "pronounced" to "announced." "Pronounce" didn't fit with what you are trying to say; it means distinct or noticeable. I am sure "announce" will get the job done.; The ever-vigilant, health conscious Mike Adams, AKA the Health Ranger, has pronounced that he will single-handedly assure that the U.S.'s water supply will be tested for its contaminants.

Adams and his team have processed over six hundred water samples in the last year and in 2017, an additional 364 which have tested positive for heavy metals.

      • I think it would be beneficial if you acknowledge who his team associates are. Are they a team of scientists? I omitted the first comma because it was not needed.; Adams and his associates have processed over six hundred water samples in the last year, and in 2017, an additional 364 which have tested positive for heavy metals.

Such metals as copper, arsenic, lead, and aluminum, a light metal, have been found in the water samples violating the EPA's water quality limits.

      • I don't think you need the "heavy" in this sentence since it is still fresh in the readers' mind. I did a lot of butchering to this sentence, it had a lot going on. I shrunk it down and added that aluminum was a light metal. "with its possible neurotoxic detrimental effects" is a phrase you should keep, however, I am still figuring out how to work it in. If it is possible, can you form that phrase into a sentence?; Such heavy metals as copper, arsenic, and lead, along with aluminum, with its possible neurotoxic detrimental effects, have been found in the water samples violating the EPA's water quality limits.

Allegedly, the EPA routinely covers up such scientific evidence, refusing to tell the American people of the toxins in their drinking water.

During the testing, CWC Labs donated all of the lab time and materials for the water tests to be evaluated and the results to be produced to expose the U.S.'s toxic water supplies.

      • It would be better if you say "during the testing" rather than "in the testing." Or you could say "during the testing period." Could you explain what "CWC" is? The acronym is widely used by multiple organizations. At least, spelling out the acronym will help readers.
In the testing, CWC Labs donated all of the lab time and materials for the water tests to be evaluated and the results to be produced to expose the U.S.'s toxic water supplies.

On the Natural News website, Mike Adams has stated that "Natural News is willing to take over the nationwide testing of the water supply from the incompetent EPA... in terms of testing the national water supply." He continued with "I’m going to announce an offer to President Trump, explaining that we will test the entire national water supply and publish all the results for just $1 per year...handling up to 5,000 water samples per year for the American people."

      • To give more credibility to this statement, say what the site specializes in. Or if there is access to an article where you can find the writer and their position. So, I researched the article and found that Mike Adams, himself, wrote the article. You can say "On the Natural News website, Mike Adams has stated that...";The site, Natural News, has stated that "(it) is willing to take over the nationwide testing of the water supply from the incompetent EPA... in terms of testing the national water supply" continuing with " I’m going to announce an offer to President Trump, explaining that we will test the entire national water supply and publish all the results for just $1 per year...handling up to 5,000 water samples per year for the American people"


Sources: http://naturalsciencejournal.org/ICP-MS-Analysis-364-Municipal-Water-Samples.html Edited by Michael Morrow


The Health Ranger Takes on the EPA The ever-vigilant, health conscious Mike Adams, AKA the Health Ranger, has announced that he will single-handedly assure that the U.S.'s water supply will be tested for its contaminants. Adams and his team have processed over six hundred water samples in the last year and in 2017, an additional 364 which have tested positive for heavy metals. Such metals as copper, arsenic, lead, and aluminum, a light metal, have been found in the water samples violating the EPA's water quality limits. Allegedly, the EPA routinely covers up such scientific evidence, refusing to tell the American people of the toxins in their drinking water. During the testing, CWC Labs donated all of the lab time and materials for the water tests to be evaluated and the results to be produced to expose the U.S.'s toxic water supplies. On the Natural News website, Mike Adams has stated that "Natural News is willing to take over the nationwide testing of the water supply from the incompetent EPA... in terms of testing the national water supply." He continued with "I’m going to announce an offer to President Trump, explaining that we will test the entire national water supply and publish all the results for just $1 per year...handling up to 5,000 water samples per year for the American people."





Russia Threatens to Target American Jets

      • As straightforward as the title is, it's missing some specificity. It's just as simple as adding one word to fix it. I recommend mentioning the which country own's the jets. Who knows, a reader may mistake this title as saying that Russia is targeting the New York Jets.; Russia Threatens to Target Jets

Russia has threatened that any target operating above the Russian and Syrian airspace.

      • I changed one word in this sentence "territory." The word "airspace" is the more correct term to use when talking about this situation. Territory seems like more of a grounded word.; Russia has threatened that any target operating above the Russian and Syrian territory.

The Syrian Democratic Forces, or SDF, and American warplanes launched an attack to retake a town called Ja'Din.

      • I switched words around in the beginning of the sentence. It is better to introduce the whole name first, then follow it with the nickname or acronym. I recommend you say where Ja'Din is located. You could say, "...retake a town called Ja'Din located in (country here)."; The SDF (Syrian Democratic Forces) and American warplanes launched an attack to retake a town called Ja'Din.

After the attack concluded, a Syrian fighter jet launched airstrikes on SDF troops which led an American warplane to take it out.

      • This revised sentence is a little shorter than the original. The original did get a little wordy. And I added a transition between "troops" and "an American" and I polished the sentence some.; After the attack had stopped, a Syrian fighter jet launched airstrikes on SDF troops, so an American warplane was sent to take it out.

That was the first air-to-air engagement between the US and Russia(?) since 1999.

      • The only thing I want to pick out in the sentence is the need for a few words at the ending. So, this was the first engagement since 1999. But between who? You talk about the countries in this passage, so be more specific on who is engaged. This will also give the reader a reminder of who has issues with who.; That was the first air-to-air engagement since 1999.

In Moscow, Russian officials applied the necessary adjustments in the Syria war policy because of the shoot-down of a Syrian military aircraft by a US fighter.

      • I thought it would be a better fit to say "Russian officials" rather than just the "Russians." Or another substitute could be "the Russian government officials." I thought it would be beneficial to the passage if "necessary" was added. Or instead of using "changes" you could use "amendments" or "adjustments." Sometimes, try to avoid basic overused words. Try to find some different words that have the same meaning as the original word.; In Moscow, the Russians applied the changes in the Syria war policy because of the shoot-down of a Syrian military aircraft by a US fighter

In conclusion, the Russians will try to stay cautious with the Americans attacking ISIS.

      • This was a pretty good sentence, but I just added "will try" because the sentence is more of a future tense sentence. In conclusion, the Russians are trying to stay cautious with the Americans attacking ISIS.

Source: http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2017/jun/19/russia-cuts-communications-us-syria-threatens-targ/ Edited by MichaelmMorrow

Russia Threatens to Target American Jets Russia has threatened that any target operating above the Russian and Syrian airspace. The Syrian Democratic Forces, or SDF, and American warplanes launched an attack to retake a town called Ja'Din. After the attack concluded, a Syrian fighter jet launched airstrikes on SDF troops which led an American warplane to take it out.That was the first air-to-air engagement between the US and Russia since 1999. In Moscow, Russian officials applied the necessary adjustments in the Syria war policy because of the shoot-down of a Syrian military aircraft by a US fighter. In conclusion, the Russians will try to stay cautious with the Americans attacking ISIS.



Amazon leads Whole Foods into the on-demand grocery system

      • I think this title could be shorter and simpler. Readers don't want to see an eye full of a title. You should use rhetoric to catch the readers attention without overdoing it. ; Amazon buying Whole Foods to help make an easier on-demand grocery system

Amazon announced the second generation of its Dash Wand, an Alexa-enabled home barcode scanner that can add your grocery items to your AmazonFresh cart.

The company's way to improve the Dash Wand was by announcing their $13.7 billion deal to buy the Whole Foods Grocery chain, which includes 461 stores across the US, Canada, and the UK.

      • I replaced "the way" with "the company's" because even though we know you're talking about Amazon, it is better to address the company while not trying to use words like "their."; The way to improve their Dash Wand was by announcing their $13.7 billion deal to buy Whole Foods Grocery chain, which includes 461 stores across the US, Canada, and the UK.

Whole Foods stores are accessible to many Americans because it is usually an hour's drive to the store, which makes Amazon's on-demand grocery delivery easier.

      • I omitted "way" at the end, "easier" is enough to get the point across.; Whole Foods stores are accessible to many Americans because it is usually an hour's drive to the store, which makes Amazon's on-demand grocery delivery way easier.

Amazon created this second-generation tool because interacting with the Alexa or Echo device can be as easy as saying "Honey, we need eggs."

      • I added a hyphen between "second" and "generation" because this is a compound adjective, which normally uses hyphens. I also added "tool" because it gives the item you are talking about distinction. In most cases, try to be as specific as you can.; Amazon created this second generation because interacting with the Alexa or Echo device can be as easy as saying "Honey, we need eggs."

The order will arrive to its destination in a matter of an hour or so, completely fresh, organic, and straight off the shelves of the nearest Whole Foods store.

      • Some readers may question where the order is going to. Like I said, being specific is important. I think you can take that part of the sentence work with it more. You could possibly say "The order will arrive at the customer's location."
The order will arrive in a matter of an hour or so, completely fresh, organic, and straight off the shelves of the nearest Whole Foods store.

With the new technology being created, buying groceries will be easier and faster.

      • I think this conclusion has a lot more potential to be much stronger. Even though "in conclusion" is a good transition to the closing sentence, it's not needed. I omitted "a lot" because it is not really needed however I do suggest replacing it with "much more." But I think it is fine without that phrase as well. After the word "faster", I deleted the rest of the sentence. You were able to make a strong enough point in the first part of it.; In conclusion, with the new technology being created, buying groceries will be a lot easier and faster way than going outside to retrieve those groceries.

Source:http://www.popsci.com/amazon-buys-whole-foods-dash-wand Edited by Michael Morrow

Amazon Leads Whole Foods Into the On-demand Grocery System Amazon announced the second generation of its Dash Wand, an Alexa-enabled home barcode scanner that can add your grocery items to your AmazonFresh cart. The company's way to improve the Dash Wand was by announcing their $13.7 billion deal to buy the Whole Foods Grocery chain, which includes 461 stores across the US, Canada, and the UK. Whole Foods stores are accessible to many Americans because it is usually an hour's drive to the store, which makes Amazon's on-demand grocery delivery easier. Amazon created this second-generation tool because interacting with the Alexa or Echo device can be as easy as saying "Honey, we need eggs." The order will arrive to its destination in a matter of an hour or so, completely fresh, organic, and straight off the shelves of the nearest Whole Foods store. With the new technology being created, buying groceries will be easier and faster.



An Egg a Day Keeps you Big in Many A Way

      • The title should be more enticing for the audience that you are trying to attract. And always capitalize each word, that is not a article or conjunction, in the title. Compared to the original title, the new, revised title does more for the summary. It mentions the main topic, the egg, and it says something about what the egg can do. Yes, the orginal title did that as well, however, when the reader sees the original, they may skip over. But when the new title is seen, it will attract their attention and almost force them to read what you have to say. So, here is a newer version of your title, "An Egg a Day Keeps you Big in Many A Way."; An egg a day, makes you taller and larger

According to Gaston, from "Beauty and the Beast", as a child, he ate four dozen eggs every morning to get large.

      • It would be beneficial to use "According to" at the beginning of the sentence to give the sentence more sophistication. By doing that, you will also have to add commas after "Gaston" and the second quotation marks. Plus, "said that" can be omitted and add a comma behind "child".; Gaston from, "Beauty and the Beast" said that as a child he ate four dozen eggs every morning to get large.

However, just eating one egg a day can do the same.


Eggs are high in protein, vitamin B12, riboflavin, choline, and other vitamins and minerals.

      • "Amounts of" should be removed, it is not needed.; Eggs are high in protein, vitamin B12, riboflavin, choline, and other amounts of vitamins and minerals.

A team of public health researchers from the United States and Ecuador tested this in an impoverished country like Ecuador.

      • It is helpful to the reader if you completely spell out the United States instead of using the abbreviation.; A team of public health researchers from the US and Ecuador tested this in an impoverished country like Ecuador.

The group gathered up mother-infant pairs, separating one group with eggs and the other without eggs.

      • You can remove "up" and use "gathered" by itself. I recommend removing "and separated", add a comma, then add "separating." The second "group" can be removed as well.; The group gathered up mother-infant pairs and separated one group with eggs and the other group without eggs.

After the six-month process, the kids who ate eggs were much taller and larger than the ones that didn't eat eggs.

      • You should add a hyphen between six and month. The phrase "a lot" should be replaced with "much."; After the six month process, the kids who ate eggs were a lot taller and larger than the ones that didn't eat eggs.

Therefore, if this experiment worked on children, then having an egg-based diet will have many health benefits for adults as well.

      • It would better if you use "therefore" instead of "hence", it's much more known rather than hence.; Hence, if this experiment worked on children, then having an egg-based diet will have many health benefits for adults as well.

Source: http://www.popsci.com/eggs-help-babies-grow Edited by Michael Morrow

An Egg a Day Keeps you Big in Many A Way According to Gaston, from "Beauty and the Beast", as a child, he ate four dozen eggs every morning to get large. However, just eating one egg a day can do the same. Eggs are high in protein, vitamin B12, riboflavin, choline, and other vitamins and minerals. A team of public health researchers from the United States and Ecuador tested this in an impoverished country like Ecuador. The group gathered up mother-infant pairs, separating one group with eggs and the other without eggs. After the six-month process, the kids who ate eggs were much taller and larger than the ones that didn't eat eggs. Therefore, if this experiment worked on children, then having an egg-based diet will have many health benefits for adults as well.


United Nations Project World Population to be 9.8B by 2050

      • The original title did not do much for the passage. It doesn't look enticing to read. Readers would skip over this article just because of the title. Remember, the titles have to be a summary of your work and a clear summary of the topic. A strong passage like this one needs a strong title. I think this new title does the passage justice.; World Pop: 9.8B by 2050

By July of 2017, the world's approximate population will be over 7.5 billion, however by 2050, the population is expected to be at 9.8 billion.

      • I shrunk and simplified this sentence. Instead of saying "mid year", you can be direct and say the month. And I omitted those zeros. The correct way to talk about millions/billions is to have the numerical value then the word "million" or "billion" behind it.; By the mid year of 2017 on July 2nd, the world's approximate population will be over 7,500,000,00, but by 2050, we'll be at 9,800,000,00.

The United Nations has released a report stating that the world's population will increase by over 2 billion people in the next thirty years.

      • I think in this situation, U.N. can be spelled out.; The U.N. has released a report stating that the world's population will increase by over 2 billion people in the next thirty years.

Although global fertility rates have decreased in the last few years, still, approximately 83 million people have continued to increase the world's population every year.

      • I changed "globally" to "global" and moved back while still conveying the same meaning. I changed "for a few years" into "the last few years." If it is possible, could there be a number of years instead?; Although fertility rates globally have decreased for a few years, still, approximately 83 million people have continued to increase the world's population every year.

The two most populated countries in the world, China and India, will switch places as top populace holders with India, currently having 1.3 Billion, overtaking China having a population of 1.4 billion.

      • I omitted the comma behind China. There was no need for that Oxford comma.; The two most populated countries in the world, China, and India, will switch places as top populace holders with India, currently having 1.3 Billion, overtaking China having a population of 1.4 billion.

The United States is currently the third most-populous country and will lose its position to Nigeria by 2050.

      • I changed the U.S. to "United States." I took out the comma and put "is" in the comma's place. Then, added "and" later in the sentence. This gave the sentence some transitions to utilize when moving from one thought to the next.; The U.S., currently the third most-populous country will lose its position to Nigeria by 2050.

With many third world nations increasing their populations and the push for first world nations to decrease theirs, the near future may have a great disparity of first and third world nations which could have serious repercussions for advanced civilizations.

      • The first comma was not needed. As much as I love this closing sentence, I am really confused. If this is your "closer" then you need to have info to back this up. The previous sentences only talked about numbers, then the last is talking about repercussions and disparity. I suggest you reformulate this passage so it focuses more on why it's bad that third world countries are growing and the main nations are shrinking.; With many third world nations increasing their populations, and the push for first world nations to decrease theirs, the near future may have a great disparity of first and third world nations which could have serious repercussions for advanced civilizations.

Source: http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2017/06/22/533935054/u-n-says-world-s-population-will-reach-9-8-billion-by-2050 Edited by Michael Morrow

United Nations Project World Population to be 9.8B by 2050 By July of 2017, the world's approximate population will be over 7.5 billion, however by 2050, the population is expected to be at 9.8 billion. The United Nations has released a report stating that the world's population will increase by over 2 billion people in the next thirty years. Although global fertility rates have decreased in the last few years, still, approximately 83 million people have continued to increase the world's population every year. The two most populated countries in the world, China and India, will switch places as top populace holders with India, currently having 1.3 Billion, overtaking China having a population of 1.4 billion. The United States is currently the third most-populous country and will lose its position to Nigeria by 2050. With many third world nations increasing their populations and the push for first world nations to decrease theirs, the near future may have a great disparity of first and third world nations which could have serious repercussions for advanced civilizations.




Editor Michael Morrow: I could not combine the facts into JUST 4 Fact Sentences, there was too much info. Please allow for one extra fact sentence this time. Thank you.

Rivers Legally Receiving "Personhood"

(TS)In the fight against water pollution, New Zealand, Ecuador and India are substantially leaping ahead to save their rivers.

(FS1) Although not the same rights as humans, these countries assigned legal aspects to the rivers, similar to what corporations have, for the nations and overseers to legally sue any entity, person, corporation, and/or nation who pollute the rivers.

      • I thought it would be better to omit "have." It flows better. I think this sentence can be reworded and reorganized. I feel like it is saying so much but I can't tell what it said. You may have to break this into two sentences.; Although not the same rights as humans have, these countries assigned legal aspects to the rivers, similar to that corporations have, for the nations and overseers to legally sue any entity, person, corporation, and/or nation who pollute the rivers.

(FS2)In New Zealand, the Whanganui River has been legally recognized to protect from pollution and for the relationship held between it and the Māori, the indigenous people of New Zealand.

      • There is nothing really wrong with this sentence, I just removed "it" from it. It wasn't needed. I corrected the misspelled "indigenous."; In New Zealand, the Whanganui River has been legally recognized to protect it from pollution and for the relationship held between it and the Māori, the indigineous people of New Zealand.

(FS3)In Ecuador, the Constitution states that nature must be respected for its right to exist, maintain itself, and regenerate its life cycles, structures, functions and evolutionary processes and that anyone can demand Ecuadorian authorities enforce these rights.

      • There is no need to put the Oxford comma behind "processes" because you stopped listing things ahead of it. I think that if you got this from the Constitution or the article, it would be good to quote it with quotation marks. The sentence seems more legal than just someone saying it. So, if you did get it from somewhere, it is best that you add quotes.; In Ecuador, the Constitution states that nature must be respected for its right to exist, maintain itself, and regenerate its life cycles, structures, functions and evolutionary processes, and that anyone can demand Ecuadorian authorities enforce these rights.

(FS4)The high court of Uttarakhand, in India, ruled that the Ganga and Yamuna rivers have the same legal rights as a person.

      • I enclosed "in India" with commas because it is an appositive which means it modifies the noun and gives extra information. There is no need to capitalize "Rivers." Unless you want to say "Ganga River and Yamuna River."; The high court of Uttarakhand in India ruled that the Ganga and Yamuna Rivers have the same legal rights as a person.

(FS5)By assigning legal rights to nature as a legal entity, the appointed guardians of the rivers can enter and enforce regulations to protect the rivers from pollution.

      • Clarity is needed for this sentence when it comes to two parts: appointed guardians and contracts. As much as I love the phrase "appointed guardians" for the rivers, I dont know what this mean. Are you saying that there is a special taskforce or a new division in the government to oversee protection? And "contracts." I wasnt sure what to think when the word was used this way. Did you use this in place of a law? In the way I read it, I replaced it with "regulations."; By assigning legal rights to nature as a legal entity, the appointed guardians of the rivers can enter and enforce contracts to protect the rivers from pollution.

(CS)So, as many mythological stories tell that nature transforms to man, in these cases, at least legally, the rivers have in fact gained "Personhood".


Sources: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/rivers-get-human-rights-they-can-sue-to-protect-themselves/

https://theconversation.com/three-rivers-are-now-legally-people-but-thats-just-the-start-of-looking-after-them-74983?sa=pg1&sq=river+personhood&sr=2 Edited by Michael Morrow

Rivers Legally Receiving "Personhood" In the fight against water pollution, New Zealand, Ecuador and India are substantially leaping ahead to save their rivers. Although not the same rights as humans, these countries assigned legal aspects to the rivers, similar to what corporations have, for the nations and overseers to legally sue any entity, person, corporation, and/or nation who pollute the rivers. In New Zealand, the Whanganui River has been legally recognized to protect from pollution and for the relationship held between it and the Māori, the indigenous people of New Zealand. In Ecuador, the Constitution states that nature must be respected for its right to exist, maintain itself, and regenerate its life cycles, structures, functions and evolutionary processes and that anyone can demand Ecuadorian authorities enforce these rights. The high court of Uttarakhand, in India, ruled that the Ganga and Yamuna rivers have the same legal rights as a person. By assigning legal rights to nature as a legal entity, the appointed guardians of the rivers can enter and enforce regulations to protect the rivers from pollution. So, as many mythological stories tell that nature transforms to man, in these cases, at least legally, the rivers have in fact gained "Personhood".




Netflix Dominates Cable by Millions

      • Titles are always the first words that readers see, so try to make it as attractive as you can. This means using flashy, yet not overcomplicating diction.; Netflix Crushes Cable by Millions

In the competition of whether customers like expensive prechosen programs, or cheap choose-it -yourself entertainment, Netflix is quickly becoming the champion.

      • I changed a few words in the sentence like at the beginning. It is more of a competition between the two entities rather than a challenge. Because they're both competing to be the dominant entertainment brand. I changed "customer" to "customers" because if you're speaking about a group of people, it is better to address them in plural form. Address it as if you are talking about those millions of people instead of one person.; In the challenge of whether a customer likes expensive prechosen programs, or cheap choose-it -yourself entertainment, Netflix is quickly becoming the champion.

Over the last six years, the online streaming provider has been in pursuit of cable TV providers and now Netflix has toppled cable TV with millions of more subscribers.

      • Turning "gaining on" into "in pursuit of" gives a better example of how close Netflix is to cable. It gives a rushed feeling that let the readers know that Netflix is right on cable's heels. I also lowercased "cable" because it doesn't match the rest of your writing and it's not a specific company. However, if you were to use Time Warner or Comcast, those would need to be capitalized.; Over the last six years, the online streaming provider has been gaining on cable TV providers and now Netflix has toppled Cable TV with millions of more subscribers.

In the beginning of 2017, cable TV had 48 million subscribers while Netflix advanced to 59 million, the first time the online streaming company has overtaken cable since its inception in the US.

      • Always remember to capitalize "TV", is a proper acronym just like NASA or USA. I corrected the spelling of "forty". Here is an interesting tip: when writing, if the number goes beyond nine, you can use the numerical symbol instead of spelling the whole number out. It is not a strictly enforced rule, but it is mostly used by journalists. I corrected the spelling of "online." Make sure you always read your writings for errors. If readers see too many, they may discredit you. ; In the beginning of 2017, cable tv had fourty-eight million subscribers while Netflix advanced to fifty-nine million, the first time the oneline streaming company has overtaken cable since its inception in the US.

The fact that users would rather pay Netflix's lower prices, that range between $7.99 - $11.99, to cable TV's $24.00 to $85.00, for the average pricing (sometimes more than $200.00 for the work).

      • I recommend playing with this sentence. See what you can add on and take off and try a different sentence structure or possibly break it into two sentences. I had to reread the sentence a few times to understand what was being said. So, I replaced "of" with "that range" because usually that phrasing ties well with money and I added a comma before that and after "$11.99." And for the last piece of the sentence, I think parenthesis should be used and something has to be switched. This revision makes the sentences seem more clear than the original, but I still recommend going in for yourself and see what else you can do to it.; The fact that users would rather pay Netflix's lower prices of between $7.99 - $11.99 to cable TV's $24.00 to sometimes more than $200.00 for the works, and $85.00 for the average pricing.

Clearly, with millions of subscribers choosing Netflix, cable TV will have to alter its pricing or become the new Blockbuster.

      • At the end, you can just say "become the new" it says the same as the orginal, but it is much more simple.; Clearly, with millions of subscribers choosing Netflix, cable TV will have to alter its pricing or go the way of Blockbuster.

Sources: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-4608624/Netflix-millions-subscribers-cable.html https://www.netflix.com/signup/planform Edited by Michael Morrow

Netflix Dominates Cable by Millions In the competition of whether customers like expensive prechosen programs, or cheap choose-it -yourself entertainment, Netflix is quickly becoming the champion. Over the last six years, the online streaming provider has been in pursuit of cable TV providers and now Netflix has toppled cable TV with millions of more subscribers. In the beginning of 2017, cable TV had 48 million subscribers while Netflix advanced to 59 million, the first time the online streaming company has overtaken cable since its inception in the US. The fact that users would rather pay Netflix's lower prices, that range between $7.99 - $11.99, to cable TV's $24.00 to $85.00, for the average pricing (sometimes more than $200.00 for the work). Clearly, with millions of subscribers choosing Netflix, cable TV will have to alter its pricing or become the new Blockbuster. _______________________ Editor Mimo's page