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Revision as of 01:18, 6 December 2017


Employees at this Tech Company Can Now Get Microchip Implants

      • You can shorten the title to make it more concise; try Tech Company Offers Employees Microchip Implants

A Wisconsin-based technology company, Three Square Market, announced on Thursday that it would be offering its employees the chance to be micro-chipped with RFID chips into their hands.

      • Put the full name of what RFID is before the abbreviation, after that use the abbreviation as much as you want; use "will" instead of "would" because the article is talking about a future event; A Wisconsin-based technology company, Three Square Market, announced on Thursday that it will be offering its employees the chance to be micro-chipped with radio-frequency identification (RFID) chips into their hands.

It can then be used for accessing multiple features throughout the office. Basically, this is a credit card ID badge inside your hand. This chip, roughly the size of a rice grain, uses the same near-field communication technology found in programs such as Apple Pay.

      • You can combine these three sentences and reword them into two more fluid sentences; Roughly the size of a rice grain, this chip acts as a credit card ID badge inside of the employee's hands. It can be used for accessing multiple features throughout the office, and uses the same near-field communication technology found in programs like Apple Pay.

The Chief Operating Officer Patrick McMullan said that this could just be another payment and identification option that can be used not only in their markets but other stores and centers.

      • Make sure to stay in present tense; add a comma before "but" to add pause and emphasis; Chief Operating Officer Patrick McMullan says that this could just be another payment and identification option that can be used not only in their markets, but other stores and centers.


Employees at this Tech Company Can Now Get Microchip Implants

A Wisconsin-based technology company, Three Square Market, announced on Thursday that it would be offering its employees the chance to be micro-chipped with RFID chips into their hands. It can then be used for accessing multiple features throughout the office. Basically, this is a credit card ID badge inside your hand. This chip, roughly the size of a rice grain, uses the same near-field communication technology found in programs such as Apple Pay. The Chief Operating Officer Patrick McMullan said that this could just be another payment and identification option that can be used not only in their markets but other stores and centers.


Fully edited article: Tech Company Offers Employees Microchip Implants

A Wisconsin-based technology company, Three Square Market, announced on Thursday that it will be offering its employees the chance to be micro-chipped with radio-frequency identification (RFID) chips into their hands. Roughly the size of a rice grain, this chip acts as a credit card ID badge inside of the employee's hands. It can be used for accessing multiple features throughout the office, and uses the same near-field communication technology found in programs like Apple Pay. Chief Operating Officer Patrick McMullan says that this could just be another payment and identification option that can be used not only in their markets, but other stores and centers.


      • You need to work on: making your titles more concise, and condensing/combining your sentences so they're more fluid.

Edited by Sydney


Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/employees-tech-company-microchipped_us_5975ffa9e4b0e79ec19abdff?section=us_weird-news



U.S Issues Warning against Traveling to Cancun

      • Be sure to capitalize all longer words in a title; U.S. Issues Warning Against Traveling to Cancun

The US State Department has widened an existing travel warning on Mexico to extend to the popular tourist region that includes Cancun.

      • Must use "in" not "on" when referring to a place; use periods when abbreviating United States; this sentence is a bit wordy and can be condensed; The U.S. State Department has widened an existing travel warning in Mexico, extended to the popular tourist region Cancun.

The travel warning issued Tuesday added several regions that had been previously thought to be relatively sheltered from the country's gang violence. Other reasons were robbery, kidnapping, and son on.

      • More usage of commas needed to space out the sentence, create pause, and create a list of the "reasons,"; combine these into one sentence since the second seems out of place and like filler; The travel warning, issued Tuesday, added several regions that had been previously thought to be relatively sheltered from the country's gang violence, robberies, and kidnappings.

The state of Quintana Roo was included in the warning because of its increase in homicides in 2016. This included the popular resort towns of Cancun, Cozumel, Playa del Carmen, and Tulum.

      • These two sentences can be reworded and combined so they read more clearly and don't use the word "include" more than once; stating the reason for it being on the list will tie in with leaving off discussing the crimes elsewhere; Because of its increase in homicides in 2016, the state of Quintana Roo, including the popular resort towns of Cancun, Cozumel, Playa del Carmen, and Tulum, was included in the warning.

"Turf battles between criminal groups have resulted in violent crime in areas frequented by U.S citizens", notes this section of the alert.

      • Keep commas within the quote; refer to it as the "warning" instead of the "alert" to go along with your previous references to it; "Turf battles between criminal groups have resulted in violent crime in areas frequented by U.S. citizens," notes this section of the warning.

However, the alert tells U.S residents that the level of drug-related violence is much less around in the resort areas and tourists destinations than in the border regions or in the areas along major trafficking routes.

      • Refer to it as the "warning" again; some word choices need to be changed in order for the sentence to make sense; However, the warning tells U.S. residents that the level of drug-related violence is much less frequent in the resorts and tourist destinations than in the border regions or areas along major trafficking routes.


U.S Issues Warning against Traveling to Cancun

The US State Department has widened an existing travel warning on Mexico to extend to the popular tourist region that includes Cancun. The travel warning issued Tuesday added several regions that had been previously thought to be relatively sheltered from the country's gang violence. Other reasons were robbery, kidnapping, and son on. The state of Quintana Roo was included in the warning because of its increase in homicides in 2016. This included the popular resort towns of Cancun, Cozumel, Playa del Carmen, and Tulum. "Turf battles between criminal groups have resulted in violent crime in areas frequented by U.S citizens", notes this section of the alert. However, the alert tells U.S residents that the level of drug-related violence is much less around in the resort areas and tourists destinations than in the border regions or in the areas along major trafficking routes.


Fully edited article: U.S. Issues Warning Against Traveling to Cancun

The U.S. State Department has widened an existing travel warning in Mexico, extended to the popular tourist region Cancun. The travel warning, issued Tuesday, added several regions that had been previously thought to be relatively sheltered from the country's gang violence, robberies, and kidnappings. Because of its increase in homicides in 2016, the state of Quintana Roo, including the popular resort towns of Cancun, Cozumel, Playa del Carmen, and Tulum, was included in the warning. "Turf battles between criminal groups have resulted in violent crime in areas frequented by U.S. citizens," notes this section of the warning. However, the warning tells U.S. residents that the level of drug-related violence is much less frequent in the resorts and tourist destinations than in the border regions or areas along major trafficking routes.


      • You need to work on: word choice, usage of commas, and keeping consistent with what you're referring to within the article (warning/alert).

Edited by Sydney


Source: http://www.travelandleisure.com/travel-tips/travel-warnings/travel-warning-mexico-cancun




Tourists Stranded as Protesters Block Path to Machu Picchu

Many tourists are stranded due to the blocking of the PeruRail train, that takes thousands of people to the famed Inca City of Machu Picchu, in Peru, by protesters.

      • This sentence needs to be restructured otherwise it's difficult to read; describing the train between the actions of the tourists and protesters makes it seem out of place and wordy; The PeruRail train, that takes thousands of people to the famed Inca City of Machu Picchu, Peru, has been blocked by protesters, leaving many tourists stranded.

The protests were unrelated to the tourists as the protests were mostly about the government , raises, and other things related to that. One of the protests were some 20,000 teachers demanding pay raises.

      • It's possible to retool these two sentences so they give information about the protests without seeming like it's trailing off with the use of "and other things related to that"; a semicolon can be used here; The protests, unrelated to the tourists, concerned the government and raises; one such group of protesters were some 20,000 teachers demanding raises in pay.

The government dispatched about 1,000 riot polices, state new agency Andina reported. PeruRail had suspended rail services Wednesday and Thursday due to the situation. However, they are promising to refund or reschedule the money for the tickets already bought.

      • Combine the first two sentences for a clearer read; "police" should be used because it's both the singular and plural form of the word; The government dispatched about 1,000 riot police, state news agency Andina reported. PeruRail has suspended rail services Wednesday and Thursday, however, they are promising to refund or reschedule the money for the tickets already bought.

A same situation had happened last year causing the rail service to be shut down for several days because of protests.

      • Use the word "similar" in place of "same" because it grammatically makes sense due to the use of "a" instead of "the"; "because of protests" isn't needed because it's already implied; use past tense; A similar situation had happened last year, which caused the rail service to be shut down for several days.


Tourists Stranded as Protesters Block Path to Machu Picchu

Many tourists are stranded due to the blocking of the PeruRail train, that takes thousands of people to the famed Inca City of Machu Picchu, in Peru, by protesters. The protests were unrelated to the tourists as the protests were mostly about the government , raises, and other things related to that. One of the protests were some 20,000 teachers demanding pay raises. The government dispatched about 1,000 riot polices, state new agency Andina reported. PeruRail had suspended rail services Wednesday and Thursday due to the situation. However, they are promising to refund or reschedule the money for the tickets already bought. A same situation had happened last year causing the rail service to be shut down for several days because of protests.


Fully edited article: Tourists Stranded as Protesters Block Path to Machu Picchu

The PeruRail train, that takes thousands of people to the famed Inca City of Machu Picchu, Peru, has been blocked by protesters, leaving many tourists stranded. The protests, unrelated to the tourists, concerned the government and raises; one such group of protesters were some 20,000 teachers demanding raises in pay. The government dispatched about 1,000 riot police, state news agency Andina reported. PeruRail has suspended rail services Wednesday and Thursday, however, they are promising to refund or reschedule the money for the tickets already bought. A similar situation had happened last year, which caused the rail service to be shut down for several days.


      • You need to work on: keeping your tenses consistent, checking to see which sentences can be combined/condensed, and making sure your sentences read clearly/don't seem wordy.

Edited by Sydney

Source: http://www.travelandleisure.com/travel-tips/travel-warnings/protesters-machu-picchu-peru



Mysterious Object Makes Waves on Rhode Island

      • You may as well have the entire article title here; Mysterious Object Makes Waves On Rhode Island Beach

People first noticed a bizarre object off the shore of Westerly, Rhode Island - which looks a little like a giant metal starfish with eight legs - several weeks ago.

      • Put the description of the "bizarre object" before Westerly, Rhode Island -- otherwise it's going to read as though Westerly looks like "a giant metal starfish..."; People first noticed a bizarre object - which looks a little like a giant metal starfish with eight legs - several weeks ago off the shore of Westerly, Rhode Island.

It was embedded in the sand about six feet underwater and on Thursday, an excavator was called to dig up the object. The excavator wasn't able to dig up the object in one piece, but was able to show that it had a circular base with metal poles, leading to a single point at the top.

      • Retool these sentences so they have more clarity, and so there's less redundancy by using "dig up the object" so close together; Being embedded six feet underwater, an excavator was called on Thursday to dig up the object. The excavator wasn't able to unearth it in one piece, but did enough to show that it had a circular base with metal poles that lead to a single point at its top.

Now, no one can really tell what this strange object actually is. One 12 year old boy said it might be an UFO. Other theories were a little less fanciful.

      • These sentences are a little choppy and short, so you can combine them into one blanket statement about all the theories; this is an area where you can add bigger, more descriptive words, maybe even an exclamation; No one was able to tell what this strange object actually was; a suggestion by a 12-year-old boy was that it could be a UFO! Other theories, however, were a little less fanciful.

Archaeologist Stephen Carini had his own theory. "Well, it's not that mysterious. It's been here forever, you know," Carini told WFSB-TV. "It's been marked by a buoy for the past several years. It's a big piece of concrete and metal that they used probably as a buoy, for rescue rafts where there were ship wrecks here back then." It may be a while before the public discover what the object really is.

      • Use a colon after "theory" to present the quote; use "discovers" instead of "discover"; Archaeologist Stephen Carini had his own theory: "Well, it's not that mysterious. It's been here forever, you know," Carini told WFSB-TV. "It's been marked by a buoy for the past several years. It's a big piece of concrete and metal that they used probably as a buoy, for rescue rafts where there were ship wrecks here back then." It may be a while before the public discovers what the object really is.


Mysterious Object Makes Waves on Rhode Island

People first noticed a bizarre object off the shore of Westerly, Rhode Island - which looks a little like a giant metal starfish with eight legs - several weeks ago. It was embedded in the sand about six feet underwater and on Thursday, an excavator was called to dig up the object. The excavator wasn't able to dig up the object in one piece, but was able to show that it had a circular base with metal poles, leading to a single point at the top. Now, no one can really tell what this strange object actually is. One 12 year old boy said it might be an UFO. Other theories were a little less fanciful. Archaeologist Stephen Carini had his own theory. "Well, it's not that mysterious. It's been here forever, you know," Carini told WFSB-TV. "It's been marked by a buoy for the past several years. It's a big piece of concrete and metal that they used probably as a buoy, for rescue rafts where there were ship wrecks here back then." It may be a while before the public discover what the object really is.


Fully edited article: Mysterious Object Makes Waves On Rhode Island Beach

People first noticed a bizarre object - which looks a little like a giant metal starfish with eight legs - several weeks ago off the shore of Westerly, Rhode Island. Being embedded six feet underwater, an excavator was called on Thursday to dig up the object. The excavator wasn't able to unearth it in one piece, but did enough to show that it had a circular base with metal poles that lead to a single point at its top. No one was able to tell what this strange object actually was; a suggestion by a 12-year-old boy was that it could be a UFO! Other theories, however, were a little less fanciful. Archaeologist Stephen Carini had his own theory: "Well, it's not that mysterious. It's been here forever, you know," Carini told WFSB-TV. "It's been marked by a buoy for the past several years. It's a big piece of concrete and metal that they used probably as a buoy, for rescue rafts where there were ship wrecks here back then." It may be a while before the public discovers what the object really is.


      • You need to work on: placing your descriptors right after the noun they're describing.

Edited by Sydney


Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/westerly-rhode-island-mysterious-object_us_59a9aa0ce4b0354e440a50bf




Scientists Detect Mysterious Radio Signals from Deep Space

An initiative set up to find signs of intelligent life in the universe has detected a series of mysterious radio signals from a dwarf planet 3 billion light years away.

      • It's important to list who the initiative was set by; Light-years should be hyphenated; An initiative set up by scientists in order to find intelligent life in the universe has detected a series of mysterious radio signals from a dwarf planet 3 billion light-years away.

Breakthrough Listen used instruments at the Green Bank Telescope in West Virginia to observe that location over 5 hours on Saturday, detecting 15 bursts over the entire 4 to 8 Ghz frequency band, the organization said in a news release.

      • Name what Breakthrough Listen is at the beginning, to give clear understanding that it's the organization in question; gigahertz is abbreviated as GHz; make sure you clarify that "over 5 hours" is the entire span of time they observed it; rephrase the sentence so it reads with more fluidity after making the first correction; The organization known as Breakthrough Listen used instruments at the Green Bank Telescope in West Virginia to observe that location over the span of 5 hours on Saturday, detecting 15 bursts over the 4 to 8 GHz frequency band.

The organization stated that possible explanations for FRBs range from outbursts from rotating neutron starts with extremely strong magnetic fields, to more speculative ideas that they are directed energy sources used by extraterrestrial civilizations to power space craft.

      • Explain what FRBs are before using an abbreviation (after that it's okay to use the abbreviation for the rest of the piece); correct "neutron starts" to "neutron stars"; "space craft" should be one word and pluralized because you're talking about more than one civilization; The organization stated that possible explanations for fast radio bursts (FRBs) range from outbursts from rotating neutron stars with extremely strong magnetic fields, to more speculative ideas that they are directed energy sources used by extraterrestrial civilizations to power spacecrafts.

Earlier this year, Harvard researchers speculated that these radio bursts could be "beams set up by extra galactic civilizations to potentially power light sails". Several other scientists have other theories on this. How they are caused remains up for debate. The organization said more information will be presented in an upcoming article to be published in a scientific journal.

      • "Extra galactic" should be one word; Harvard researchers should be reworded to avoid any confusion about whether the Harvard researchers are from Harvard, or if the researchers research Harvard; be sure to enclose any periods in a quote or dialogue within the quotation marks; the second and third sentences can be joined by a semicolon since they are related ideas, and will make the paragraph six sentences long; Earlier this year, researchers from Harvard speculated that these radio bursts could be "beams set up by extragalactic civilizations to potentially power light sails." Several other scientists have other theories on this; how they are caused remains up for debate. The organization said more information will be presented in an upcoming article to be published in a scientific journal.


Scientists Detect Mysterious Radio Signals from Deep Space

An initiative set up to find signs of intelligent life in the universe has detected a series of mysterious radio signals from a dwarf planet 3 billion light years away. Breakthrough Listen used instruments at the Green Bank Telescope in West Virginia to observe that location over 5 hours on Saturday, detecting 15 bursts over the entire 4 to 8 Ghz frequency band, the organization said in a news release. The organization stated that possible explanations for FRBs range from outbursts from rotating neutron starts with extremely strong magnetic fields, to more speculative ideas that they are directed energy sources used by extraterrestrial civilizations to power space craft. Earlier this year, Harvard researchers speculated that these radio bursts could be "beams set up by extra galactic civilizations to potentially power light sails". Several other scientists have other theories on this. How they are caused remains up for debate. The organization said more information will be presented in an upcoming article to be published in a scientific journal.


Fully edited article: Scientists Detect Mysterious Radio Signals from Deep Space

An initiative set up by scientists in order to find intelligent life in the universe has detected a series of mysterious radio signals from a dwarf planet 3 billion light-years away. The organization known as Breakthrough Listen used instruments at the Green Bank Telescope in West Virginia to observe that location over the span of 5 hours on Saturday, detecting 15 bursts over the 4 to 8 GHz frequency band. The organization stated that possible explanations for fast radio bursts (FRBs) range from outbursts from rotating neutron stars with extremely strong magnetic fields, to more speculative ideas that they are directed energy sources used by extraterrestrial civilizations to power spacecrafts. Earlier this year, researchers from Harvard speculated that these radio bursts could be "beams set up by extragalactic civilizations to potentially power light sails." Several other scientists have other theories on this; how they are caused remains up for debate. The organization said more information will be presented in an upcoming article to be published in a scientific journal.


      • You need to work on: rewording and condensing your sentences so they read smoother, noting which words are actually one word (not two separate words), and clarifying parts of the sentences that can be confusing.

Edited by Sydney



Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/deep-space-radio-bursts_us_59a7bbcbe4b07e81d35530b7?section=us_weird-news